


Forbidden Love

by TooMuch_inLove



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: I hope I can make it a happy end, M/M, Other characters will show up later, but I don't know, this is angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-02
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2020-04-06 10:13:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 24,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19060585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TooMuch_inLove/pseuds/TooMuch_inLove
Summary: Sometimes love is just to let go





	1. Why?

**Author's Note:**

> There's nothing I can say about the fic. This is just a fanfiction from a very delusional fan *sigh, yes, it's me. I still believe that there's something between them. I mean Yamada and Takaki.  
> Once again, this is only me being sooooo delusional  
> *sigh again  
> Enjoy the story

They looked at each other and smiled lightly. A little hole formed in their heart and it grew wider each day.  
  
“Sometimes love is just to let go.”  
  
“Eh?” Daiki turned to him. “What did you say?”  
  
Takaki smiled at him and shook his head.  
  
“It’s nothing.”  
  
“Takaki, I did hear you’ve said something.”  
  
“He said love is to let go.”  
  
Takaki turned to Yamada who stared at him sharply. He didn’t say anything, and just nodded his head weakly.  
  
All of the members turned to Takaki who scratched his head and smiled sheepishly.  
  
“Don’t say that you are falling in love with someone and can’t do anything but just let her go? Because she had a boyfriend? Or even a husband?” Inoo asked him curiously.  
  
Takaki turned to Inoo and shook his head. “It’s not like that.”  
  
“Takaki,” Hikaru stepped forward and stopped in front of him. “I can’t say anything if she got married, but if the one you love is still not married yet, then you still have a chance. You have to fight. Don’t give up.”  
  
Takaki chuckled lightly. “I’ve told you it’s not like that. I mean, guys, do I have time to fall in love? We don’t have time even just for thinking about it.”  
  
Some of them looked at him in silence before sighing heavily and turned around to continue their walk.  
  
“We’re so pathetic, arent we?” Chinen shook his head and muttered the words a little loud.  
  
No one answered him because they agreed him. Nobody even responded to Chinen and just walked straight to the room where all the sets of their new PV making were readied.  
  
“We’re so lucky with all the fames we’ve got, but we’re so unlucky with love.” Chinen shook his head while smiling alone.  
  
“I won’t call it lucky with all the efforts we’ve made. We’ve been through hell to get them. Even until today.” Hikaru snorted while beaming to Chinen.  
  
Chinen chuckled. “Believe it or not, that lucky thing is included in our fate.”  
  
There’s no one responded him this time. They did know that the word lucky was exist, and the word was tailing them until now. Everyone of them managed to surf the word and made it as their platform to step forward and reached their dream. Everyone of them tried hard to hold the word so it wouldn’t go away from them. Everyone of them worked harder than anyone else in the world so the word wouldn’t leave them. Not even a single time they let their guard down. They stick together so they could lend their hand whenever one of them started to fall. Each day they became closer and closer until they felt like brothers.  
  
Brothers.  
  
It was so peaceful hearing the word.  
  
It was like there wouldn’t be any obstacle they couldn’t handle.  
  
The shooting was over. The crew were still trying to pack the tools when Takaki closed the door silently and walked to the end of the room. He stopped in front of Yamada who was sitting on the floor. For a while he was just standing and staring at him without a word, before finally joining him to sit on the floor.  
  
Both Takaki and Yamada didn’t say anything for a while. They just sat in silent on the floor. Takaki leaned against the wall and closed his eyes, enjoying their togetherness. Yamada didn’t say anything too. He just moved closer to Takaki until their shoulder touched and he just kept silent all the time.  
  
They didn’t need any word.  
  
Takaki opened his eyes and looked down to his legs, and sighed.  
  
‘Once they found out about us, we’re done.”  
  
Yamada closed his eyes and tightened his teeth hard, tried hard to prevent his tears that suddenly threatened to fall.  
  
“Our fans won’t say anything about it. They will support us no matter what, but we have to realize that we are living in a very normal world. The world where a man should fall in love with a woman.”  
  
Yamada looked away but still said nothing. The tears betrayed him and started to fall to his cheeks.  
  
Takaki reached for his hand and held it tightly.  
  
“Can’t we just ..., go away from here.” Yamada turned to him. “I want to go away. Far away until nobody can found us. We can move to the place where only you and me, and there’s no one else around us.”  
  
Takaki bit his lips hard. “I really want to do it too.”  
  
Yamada looked to his lap and said nothing. His sight blurred because of tears. He knew exactly what Takaki wanted to say but didn’t try to stop him.  
  
Takaki sighed heavily and looked up to the ceiling, “but we have to think about them. We have to think about JUMP. What will happen to them when suddenly we disappeared? Perhaps nothing will happen if only me who disappeared but with you too, JUMP will crash and break.”  
  
Yamada turned away and started to sob. He closed his mouth with his hand so the sob wouldn’t be too loud.  
  
“What we’re doing is against the law. We shouldn’t fall for each other. We should be a normal. Every eyes darted to us every second in our live. We can’t ...”  
  
“I know.” Yamada cut him. He clutched his chest now. “I do really know. It’s just ..., why ...”  
  
Takaki closed his eyes together with the falling of his tears on his cheek. Unlike Yamada who let his tears fell uncontrollably, Takaki hurriedly wiped his tears and tightened his teeth hard to prevent them to fall again.  
  
He reached for Yamada’s hand and once again held it tightly. He didn’t want to let go.  
  



	2. Dilemma

Yuto froze in his place. He gulped many times and without him realized, his tears fell. Daiki, who saw him, suddenly left everything he did and stoned beside Yuto when he saw the recording.  
  
One by one all the members joined them, and all of them didn’t say anything when finally Yuto stopped the video.  
  
“Tell me that it’s just a practice for their drama.” Daiki almost mumbled the question but everybody could hear him clearly.  
  
“No one of them is doing any drama right now.” Chinen was still staring at the camera even when Yuto had put it on the table near them.  
  
No one talked again after that. They just kept silent and doing everything slowly, like afraid that they would disturb anyone else. Like someone would be hurt if they did anything with a loud voice. The room felt suffocated and rather hard to breathe for them.  
  
Yabu closed his eyes and ducked.  
  
“Why don’t you say anything? I’ve told you before that you can trust me. I don’t mind of you being a gay.”  
  
The door opened and everybody could see clearly the very gloomy Takaki entered. He didn’t say anything. He just gathered his things without a word.  
  
“I’m sorry, I’m leaving.”  
  
“Yuya!” Chinen suddenly called him, a little too loud than he used to, almost startled some of the members, but no one gave him any complaint. “There’s a new flavor in ... “  
  
“I’m sorry, I’m very tired. I just want to go straight to home. See you.”  
  
Takaki turned over and almost stumbled on Yamada by the door. They didn’t say anything. Not even a sorry. Takaki just walked away and Yamada entered the room in silent. Everybody could see clearly the trace of tears on his face.  
  
“Ryosuke, are you okay? You look very tired.” Okamoto approached him and stroked his back gently.  
  
“I’m fine.”  
  
Just a short answer but full of silent cry in it. A tear dropped but he hurriedly wiped it.  
  
“I’ll drive you home.” Okamoto grabbed his bag and almost dragged Yamada out of the room, prevented him to reject his offer.  
  
No one talk after their leaving. Yuto took his camera and put it in his bag.  
  
“Listen,” Daiki tried to break the ice. “I don’t know about you, but I ..., we should ask them about this.  
  
No one answered him. They stared at each other in silent, didn’t know how to respond Daiki. More like afraid of showing their true feeling about Takaki and Yamada.  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
Chinen ventured to speak out while glancing carefully to his friends. He tried to find any silent rejection but found nothing. No one of them looked disgusted with the news.  
  
“We should ask them about ..., it.” Daiki tilted his head and looked around to his friends. “About their relationship. Are they really together? How long have they been together, I mean, how come they overcome their feeling. I mean, they hid it from us. They acted like there’s nothing between them. Is it true that they are ..., dating?”  
  
“I disagree.” Yuto suddenly voiced out his mind. He gulped and looked at Daiki intently. “I will support Ryosuke for whatever he chose.”  
  
“What?” Daiki gaped at the proclamation.  
  
“Yes. You may hate me, I don’t care. Love is something you can’t decide with logic. Once your heart attached to something, or someone, it will hurt like hell if you have to reject it and try to forget it. So ...,” Yuto looked around. “I will support them for whatever it takes. I don’t care about what anyone else will say about me. I don’t care even if you hate me because of this, I will still let them together. I will protect them.”  
  
“Are you crazy? We’re talking about our future, Yuto.”  
  
“Call me crazy, I don’t care. Let them together. As long as nobody found this, we’re going to be just fine. Let this slide away like the wind blows. I will erase the file, and let’s forget that we saw it. We didn’t know anything. We don’t know anything.”  
  
“It’s a big no.” Daiki insisted.  
  
“Can’t we just let them be?” Inoo turned to him, almost annoyed with Daiki’s stubbornness. “They hid it. I don’t know for who knows how long. They pretended that they’re normal. They suppressed their feeling for who knows how long. They tried hard to cover their hurt of being busted by everybody. Can’t we just ... “  
  
“We can’t, Inoo-Chan. We can’t do that.”  
  
Everybody looked at Daiki and silenced with his seriousness.  
  
“We can’t let this slide away. We have to think about this seriously. Our job is in the line. Once the media caught this, we’re done. Once Johnny found this, we’re done. Whoever outside JUMP found this, we’re done.”  
  
Yabu sighed heavily and stood up. He didn’t say anything and just walked away outside the room.  
  
Inoo followed him in silent.  
  
“Guys, we really need to talk about this.”  
  
Nobody answered him and just walked away, left Daiki gaped in disbelief.  
  
“This is a heavy thing so let’s think about this later.”  
  
Daiki turned to Hikaru who grabbed his bag and started to walk.  
  
“Wait!” Daiki grabbed his arm. “Because this is a heavy thing, so let’s discuss about this now. The sooner we solve the problem, the sooner we save our life.”  
  
Hikaru chuckled lightly, almost feeling silly with what Daiki had said. “Save our life?”  
  
“Our job is in the line. Once anybody outside found this, JUMP will over. So let’s talk about this now.”  
  
“Daiki, you’re scary.”  
  
Daiki stunned and let Hikaru’s arm go. “What?” He asked him in wonder.  
  
Hikaru sighed. “You’re the closest one to Yamada. How can you put aside his feeling and just think about yourself?”  
  
“What?” Daiki chuckled lightly. “I’m not thinking about myself. I’m thinking about us. All of us.”  
  
Hikaru shook his head in disbelief and walked away, leaving Daiki who still gaped in his place.  
  



	3. Holding On

“I suddenly had this urge of watching our video makings, and just realize it.”  
  
“What?” Yuto turned to Chinen.  
  
Chinen pursed his lips and didn’t say anything for a while.  
  
“No. Maybe it’s only me.”  
  
“What is it?” Now Yuto demanded with curiosity.  
  
Chinen sighed and turned to Yuto. “The way Ryosuke and Yuya behaved in every making showed something. The way they talk to each other, the way they chat, the way they play around, even the way they avoid to each other. There’s really something between them.”  
  
Yuto didn’t give any respond. He watched the recording again, and once again his heart wrecked for the nth time while watching them crying.  
  
Chinen sighed again. “You’ve said you will delete the file.”  
  
Yuto breathed heavily before pushed the ‘delete’ button in his camera.  
  
“You’ve been watching it thousand times since that day.”  
  
“And I still can’t take it seeing Ryosuke cries, and Yuya can’t say anything but the truth about their relationship. I still feel like watching a sad drama. A very sad drama ever.”  
  
“And it will make you cry again after watching it. Come on, Yuto. Delete it. It’s enough. Someone will find it if you still keep it.”  
  
“I did.”  
  
Chinen turned to Yuto and questioned him in silent.  
  
“The file.” Yuto showed his camera. “I just deleted it.”  
  
Chinen sighed heavily. “Finally.”  
  
Yuto looked at Chinen in awe. He didn’t look bothered at all with the fact that his friend was a gay. He narrowed his eyes when a thought clicked in his mind.  
  
“Don’t tell me that you knew it.”  
  
Chinen turned to him but didn’t say anything. He just stared at Yuto without words.  
  
“I mean, You don’t look surprised when we found the video. You looked so calm. Even Hikaru couldn’t manage his mind at that time, but you looked very calm and didn’t look surprised at all.”  
  
Chinen sighed again but still didn’t say anything.  
  
“You’ve been very close to Yuya back then. Perhaps he said something to you, or even tell you everything.”  
  
Once again Chinen sighed heavily.  
  
“You saw the video. Do you think Yuya will tell anyone about this thing?”  
  
Yuto stared at Chinen intently before looked away. He did know exactly what Chinen tried to say. He grabbed his bag and straightened his body.  
  
“See you.”  
  
Chinen just looked at Yuto in silent. He didn’t even try to tell Yuto that he forgot his camera. He just looked at the thing and shook his head. He reached for the camera and stared it intently.  
  
“You shouldn’t stay in that place that time. Because of you, we’re so confused now. Why should you be ‘on’ mode that time? Why should your owner forgot to switch you off that time?” He put the camera back to his bed. “I hate you now.”  
  
Chinen walked to the window and silently looked at Yuto who walked lazily. He looked like a man who carried a very heavy load on his shoulder. Chinen sighed heavily and turned again to the camera, and once again he just shook his head.  
  
In another part of the town, in Yabu’s apartment, Inoo had invited himself in and behaved like he was in his own home. He took everything he wanted like it was his own, and Yabu didn’t even care. The owner of the apartment just sat silently on the sofa and didn’t have any intention to stop him. He didn’t move either when finally Inoo sat beside him.  
  
“A part of me scream ‘let them alone’, but another part agrees with Dai-Chan.” Inoo stared at the moving ant on the table without blinking. “Once they found out about Takaki and Yamada, we’re really done.”  
  
Yabu felt a pang in his heart so sudden. He gulped lightly and closed his eyes. “He should’ve told me from the very beginning.”  
  
“I won’t told anyone else either if I have the same position with Takaki. I don’t want to risk anyone.”  
  
Yabu opened his eyes and breathed heavily. “I feel like ..., I can feel his hurt. In my eyes now, Takaki is not smiling at all. Even in reality he laughs, but all I see is he cries.”  
  
Inoo pursed his lips and closed his eyes. He could imagine what Yabu tried to say. He could see the tears were always hanging in the corner of Takaki’s eyes everytime he took a glance to Yamada. Inoo sighed and opened his eyes, focused himself back to the ant.  
  
Hikaru suddenly entered the room. He looked troubled and confused.  
  
“What?” Inoo finally straightened himself and left the ant alone.  
  
“And now Keito will leave us and heading to America.”  
  
“What?” Both Inoo and Yabu said in unison.  
  
Hikaru almost threw a magazine in Yabu’s lap and took a seat beside Inoo. Yabu grabbed the magazine and in no time found the news, that told Keito was sleeping with a girl. Yabu closed his eyes and put away the magazine.  
  
“Johnny said it’s because Keito wants to study more about acting but I know that it’s just an excuse. The trigger is the news. I still don’t know about his real reason.”  
  
Yabu massaged his nape slowly and stared at the magazine blankly.  
  
“Have anyone of you reached Takaki?”  
  
“His phone is off since yesterday.” Inoo focused back to the ant on the table. It crawled to the edge of the table but Inoo led it back to the middle of the table. “Probably he’s in his parents’ home.”  
  
“Definitely. It’s so rare for us to get this long day off, so I guess he will definitely be there.” Hikaru opened his coat and simply threw it on a chair.  
  
Inoo looked at him and sighed heavily. “I guess Chinen is right. We’re so pathetic. Look at us now. We’re gathering here, all boys, and there’s no story of love at all.”  
  
Yabu and Hikaru looked at each other and smiled widely. Hikaru tapped Inoo’s head and sat beside him. “You’re just jealous to Takaki that no matter the fact is, he has someone he loved, aren’t you?”  
  
“Shut up” Inoo pouted at the comment.  



	4. Score

The woman opened the curtain and sighed to see the white sky. The snow outside started to melt. She turned and looked at the stairs to the second floor and sighed again.  
  
“What is happening to you? Why don’t you talk?”  
  
She almost jolted when the phone behind her rang. She sighed again before took it.  
  
“Yes?”  
  
 _“Is Takaki home?”_  
  
Etsuko smiled and nodded. “Yes, he is.” She silenced for a while and sighed again. “Hikaru, what is happening?”  
  
 _“What do you mean?”_  
  
“He locked his room since came back yesterday and didn’t let anyone to enter it. He didn’t talk much too. He said he’s tired and need to sleep more so he came here. Is there any problem?”  
  
There’s no answer for a while and that was enough for Etsuko to know that something was going on.  
  
 _“Mm, can I come over now?”_  
  
“Sure. I’m more than glad to welcome you. I don’t know what to do. This is the first time Yuya doesn’t want to talk to anyone in the house. We’re confused.”  
  
 _“I’m in front of the gate now.”_  
  
“What? Oh! Sure! I’m coming.”  
  
Etsuko put the phone and walked as fast as she could to the front gate and welcomed Hikaru with a wide smile.  
  
“Thank you for coming. I hope he will talk to you.”  
  
Hikaru nodded many times and smiled, trying hard to assure the woman that everything would be okay. “Sure. I’ll try.”  
  
Without anymore words, he went up to the second floor and found that the room was locked. Exactly like the woman had said. He stood there for a while, didn’t know what to do. He thought of knocking at the door but knew that Takaki wouldn’t open it. He breathed heavily and trying to open the door again when Etsuko came with the spare key. He smiled and muttered a thank you before unlocked and entered the room.  
  
A lump on the bed welcomed him. It didn’t move at all. He sat down the bed slowly and patted the lump. The blanket suddenly revealed and Takaki beamed him in wonder.  
  
Hikaru shrugged. “Suddenly want to come over.”  
  
Takaki got up lazily and stretched his arms out. He walked to the window and opened the curtain.  
  
“What is it?”  
  
Hikaru stared at him. He didn’t say anything for a while, more like confused to start something. He then looked away and smiled lightly to the picture on the wall. He stood up and walked to the picture. He touched it and smiled again.  
  
“Eleven years.”  
  
Takaki turned to Hikaru who stared at the picture of their first single. He shrugged and took the blanket from the floor. He folded it and put it on the bed before sat down.  
  
“What are you doing here?”  
  
Hikaru turned to him and walked over. “Is there anything you hide? From us?”  
  
Takaki looked up to him and smiled sheepishly. “What do you mean?”  
  
Hikaru sat down beside him on the bed. “I don’t know. I just feel that you are hiding something from us.”  
  
Takaki pursed his lips and laid on the bed. “Do I look like a person who hide something?”  
  
Hikaru looked at him and scratched his head. “ I don’t know. I just feel it.”  
  
The door suddenly opened, made both of them turned so sudden, and Daiki was standing by the door with panting.  
  
“Thanks God, I thought you’re sick.”  
  
“What?”  
  
Daiki sighed dramatically and plopped down the bed. “I called you thousand times since yesterday but your phone’s off. I went to your apartment and pressed the bell thousand times but no one opened the door, so I bet myself that you’re here. Are you okay?”  
  
Takaki smiled. “I’m fine. Totally fine.” He got up from the bed. “What happened until you think that I’m not fine?”  
  
Daiki stoned for a while before sighed heavily. “Nothing. You just disappeared after the last making. You promised to accompany me to buy a present for my sister but I can’t even find you anywhere.”  
  
Takaki kept silence for a while before patted his forehead. “Oh my God, I forgot. I’m sorry. Really sorry. We can go now.”  
  
Daiki looked at him. “Are you sure? I’m not in a hurry.”  
  
“It’s okay. We can go now. Yaotome, you can join us if you don’t have anything to do.”  
  
“Sure.”  
  
“Can we join you too?”  
  
The three of them turned to the door and found Inoo and Yabu were standing by door with a very wide smile.  
  
Daiki jumped off the bed and smiled widely. “Sure. It’s been a long time since we go out together like this.”  
  
“Five minutes.” Takaki flew out of the room, leaving an awkward atmosphere in the room.  
  
Daiki looked at Inoo and looked away. “What?”  
  
“What are you doing here?”  
  
“Nothing.”  
  
“It’s been months. Do you still want to judge him?”  
  
‘Of course not. Why should I do that?”  
  
Inoo walked into the room and carefully touched the picture of their first single on the wall. “Because you want them to end their relationship. Because you disagree of them being together. Because you’re jealous that Yamada loved him, and not you.”  
  
Daiki gaped at the judgment. He closed his eyes, breathed heavily, and opened them slowly. “I love Yamada, yes, I do, but not the way you thought. I’m normal.”  
  
Yabu smiled and walked over to him. He embraced him. “So, please, don’t say anything unnecessary, okay?”  
  
“I know. I’m really sorry about before. I don’t mean to say such thing. I mean ... “  
  
Hikaru stood up and patted his head. “We know. You’re just confused. You didn’t know what to say.”  
  
Daiki tried to escape from Yabu’s embrace. “Don’t treat me like a child! Yuya! Save me!”  
  
Takaki, who just entered the room, laughed at the scene. “I don’t think you need any help, Arioka.”  
  
“Of course he doesn’t need any help from anyone,” Inoo mocked before turning to Daiki again. “Yabu is too thin and I believe you can strangle him in one move. Just do it and you will thank me later for suggesting it to you.”  
  
Before Daiki could do like Inoo had suggested, Yabu had released him while smiling widely. He raised his hands to show Daiki that he surrendered.  
  
Both Hikaru and Takaki looked at each other and chuckled. They shook their head for their silliness.  



	5. Giving Up

The room was awkward with the silent of the members. It’s been months since they knew about Takaki and Yamada’s relationship, but they still couldn’t make up their mind. Yabu and Inoo exchanged look before walked out of the room without any words. The other followed them in silent too  
  
Takaki looked at the door, silently questioned himself about his friends’ attitude, but he didn’t try to speak up too. He looked at Yamada who was sitting on the sofa and busy with his phone.  
  
“Ryosuke.”  
  
“Hm?”  
  
Yamada was still busy with his phone, but when he didn’t hear any word from Takaki, he stopped staring at his phone and took his hat. “What?”  
  
“Can’t we just stop this?”  
  
Yamada turned and stared him in horror. “What do you mean?”  
  
“Ryosuke, I do know that you understand that we can’t keep this going.”  
  
The tears suddenly dropped on his cheeks. “How can you say that easily?”  
  
“It isn’t easy for me too, trust me. It’s very hard until I ..., I don’t know what to do to save us.”  
  
Yamada closed his eyes and wiped the tears. He breathed heavily.  
  
“So the years we’ve been through means nothing to you.”  
  
Takaki reached for his arms and forced Yamada to face him.  
  
“Every second we’ve been through over years means something to me. Everything. Every breath I breathe I always pray that God will give us a way, but I do realize too, that we are living in this real world. The world where people do not accept irregular things. The world where we should living it in normal norms. We are crossing the line Ryosuke.”  
  
Yamada gritted his teeth and his tears streamed down his cheeks. He shook his head. “I can’t. I do realize it, but I don’t think I can let you go. I can’t live without you.”  
  
The tears dropped in Takaki’s cheek. “Me too, but what can we do? We can’t do anything.”  
  
“You give up after all these years? That easy?”  
  
Takaki shook his head weakly. “I can’t stand longer than this. I want to shout to the world that I love you but I can’t. It hurts. Too much until I can’t breathe every time I realize it.”  
  
Yamada reached for Takaki’s arms. “We can make it. Just wait a little longer. I know we can make it.”  
  
Once again Takaki shook his head weakly. “It’s been years, Ryosuke, and I don’t think I can hide it anymore. I’m too much in love with you until I can’t hide it from anyone. So far, they don’t realize that what I’ve said to you is real, yet. It’s not yet, Ryosuke, that means one day they will know that I’m not playing with my words. That time, we’re done. We’re carrying a time bomb, Ryosuke. I can’t imagine what will happen when the bomb explodes. There will be so much destructions, and I can’t imagine how severe the damage will be.  
  
“There’s nothing will happen as long as we keep this, Yuya. There’s nothing will happen. There will be no damage out there. JUMP will totally be fine forever.”  
  
Outside of the room, six persons stood in silent. Yabu dan Hikaru didn’t move at all, while Inoo gritted his teeth and many times closed his eyes. There’s a sting in his heart and he could only clutch it in silent. Daiki and Yuto didn’t try to wipe the tears that rolled down their cheek, while Chinen ducked his head and didn’t move from the floor. He grabbed his own hands tightly.  
  
“We’re so pathetic, aren’t we?” Inoo stared at the blank spot before took a glance to the door. “There, few steps ahead, inside that room, our friends are suffering and we can’t do anything.”  
  
No one answered him. They’re too busy to ease their emotion.  
  
“I’ve read somewhere that family is like parts of a body. One part wounded the other parts will scream the hurt.” Inoo clutched his chest more. “They’re crying, and here we are doing nothing.”  
  
Hikaru turned and walked away when he couldn’t hold his tears. Yabu followed him, and also Daiki together with Yuto. Inoo just stood in his place for a moment while staring at the door silently, before walked away too, leaving Chinen alone on the floor.  
  
A second after Inoo entered the elevator, the door of the room opened, revealed Yamada who walked out weakly. His shoulder slumped and he looked very tired. He looked at Chinen and stopped. He patted his head gently.  
  
Chinen looked up and Yamada could see his face was pale.  
  
“Something’s wrong with my stomach.”  
  
Yamada knelt in front of him. “Should we go to the doctor?”  
  
Chinen didn’t say anything. He just ducked his head again, and that’s enough for Yamada to decide.  
  
“Wait here. I’ll call Yuya. He’s still here.”  
  
Yamada ran away to the room and came back with Takaki tailed behind him. Without any word, Takaki lifted Chinen in his embrace and almost ran to his car.  
  
Takaki didn’t say anything along the way to the hospital. He just took a glance many times to the back seat. He still didn’t say anything too when they reached the hospital. Yamada did all the talk, even when the doctor finished examined Chinen.  
  
Takaki just stood there, beside the bed and stared intently to Chinen, silently asked him an explanation.  
  
Yamada suddenly understood the situation. He silently stepped backwards, and almost with no sound he walked out of the room.  
  
“Ryosuke!”  
  
He turned around and found Yuto was running to him.  
  
“How’s Yuri?”  
  
“How do you know?”  
  
Yuto panted hard. “A junior called me that Yuya held him in his embrace and you tailed behind them in a hurry. How’s he?”  
  
“Just a little stress, but he needs more rest. Doctor said he can go home now but he should take a break for a while.”  
  
“Thanks God. It means he’s okay now. Where’s Yuya?”  
  
Yamada signed him that the older was in the room.  
  
Yuto wanted to go inside but Yamada stopped him. He shook his head weakly.  
  
“Please, give them space. Yuya once told me that back then Yuri got this kind of situation so I believe he is asking Yuri for explanation now.”  
  
The door opened and Yuya stepped outside. He almost surprised to see Yuto was there but didn’t have a chance to ask because Yuto had ran into the room.  
  
Both Yamada and Takaki stood silently in front of the door. They didn’t say anything. They didn’t even looked at each other. They just stood there, without any words.  
  
“He doesn’t need to stay here, does he?”  
  
Both Takaki and Yamada turned to see Inoo was standing in front of him while raising his brows because he got no answer for a while.  
  
“Oh! Yes, he doesn’t need to stay, but the doctor said he needs more rest.” Yamada almost stammered when explained Chinen’s condition.  
  
Inoo breathed heavily and read the silent question from Takaki about his presence. “I’m still in the building when you rushed to your car. I just can’t manage to go after you. You ran too fast, and I’ve lost you when I reached the parking lot.”  
  
Yamada smiled lightly and caresed Inoo’s arm. “Sorry, we just panicked. Yuri looked suffered.”  
  
The door opened and Yuto walked out together with Chinen who tailed behind him.  
  
“I’ll deal with the administration.” Inoo walked away before anyone could stop him.  
  
Yuto reached for Chinen’s arm. “I’ll take Yuri home.”  
  
“I’m going with you.”  
  
Both Yuto and Chinen looked at Yamada and nodded together. Chinen stopped after few steps and turned around.  
  
“Yuya, thank you. I’m fine now.”  
  
Takaki sighed heavily and walked beside him. “Are you sure?”  
  
Chinen smiled. “Sure. I feel okay now.”  
  
Takaki didn’t say anything more. He took a glance to Yamada and a sudden sting attacked his heart. He gritted his teeth hard.  
  
 _What should we do?_  



	6. Hope

The drops of the cold water reached his skin, drenched him, but he couldn’t feel anything. He’s numb. He stood there and didn’t move, under the drops of the cold water in the bathroom. His mind was blank. He couldn’t think anything.

_“Let’s end this.”_

The words mingled in his head on and on and he couldn’t erase them. His heart ached. It ripped into pieces and he couldn’t put them together again.

“Ryosuke, what are you doing?”

Chinen pulled him from the shower and almost dragged him out of the bathroom. Yuto came with a thick blanket and wrap him before dragged him to the sofa.

“What happened?”

Yamada didn’t say anything. He just shook his head, but his stare was blank.

Chinen sighed heavily and took a seat beside him. “You don’t need to hide it again, Ryosuke. I know how hurt it is when you should pretend to be okay while you are not okay at all.”

Yamada looked at Chinen and chuckled lightly. “I’m not pretending. I don’t hide anything.”

“We knew it.”

Yamada turned to Yuto and stunned when the taller stared at him intently. His smile lost slowly and he gulped.

“What ..., do you know?”

Chinen smiled and looked at Yuto before turned again to Yamada.

“About you and Yuya.”

Yamada could feel the world had collapsed around him. He could hear the crash around him. He could feel his body was suddenly too light until he couldn’t feel it.

_“One day they will know that I’m not playing with my words. One day they will know that you are serious with your words.”_

Takaki’s words suddenly rang in his head. Yamada ducked and closed his eyes. He didn’t even try to deny. He knew how smart Chinen was, so it’s useless if he tried to deny it. He kept silent for a moment and didn’t move.

Both Chinen and Yuto didn’t say anything for a while. They just looked at each other, discussed with their eyes what to do next.

Yuto caressed Yamada’s back gently, tried to sooth him. He knew words wouldn’t help him but he needed to say something before his friends thought something fool.

“I don’t mind at all with your relationship.”

Yamada opened his eyes for the words.

“As long as you are happy, I don’t mind you’re dating Yuya.”

Yamada lifted his head and looked at Yuto, and found honesty in his eyes.

“I don’t care even if the world will against me. I will be your shelter forever.”

Chinen took Yamada’s hand and gripped it, made Yamada turned to him. He smiled widely and nodded. “Me too. I’m on your side whatever way you choose.”

The tears suddenly dropped on his cheeks again. “It’s useless now.”

Both Yuto and Chinen looked at each other.

“What do you mean?”

“He gave up.”

Yamada closed his face with his palms and started to sob. Yuto reached for him and embraced him tightly.

“He wants to end everything. He can’t take it anymore. He can’t keep the secret anymore.”

“It’s okay. Perhaps it’s just because he couldn’t think anything. You know, ..., it’s kind of ..., hard ..., for living with a secret, and you have no one to be told. Perhaps Yuya just ..., you know ..., he will be back to you and say sorry.”

Yamada shook his head weakly.

“He never jokes in a serious conversation. He told me many times that we shouldn’t fall for each other, and he asked to end everything now.”

Yuto and Chinen lost their words. They didn’t know what to say. They just sat there, beside Yamada, and kept silent. They looked at each other but couldn’t find any word.

There was a suffocated silent time for a while before Yuto led Yamada to lay on his lap and caressed his head.

“When this started?”

Chinen suddenly turned to Yuto and stared at him intently, silently scolded him for asking the question.

Yamada breathed heavily and closed his eyes. “It’s been years.” He stopped. For a while he just kept silent and didn’t say anything. Once again the tears dropped, but he wiped quickly. “We don’t know how, or when it started. We’ve found the comfort and it’s just flowing like a river. He was there for me, even in his worst time in his life, he was trying hard to be there for me. I just ...” another tear dropped, “I’m too addicted to him. I don’t know what will happen to me if he run away from me. I don’t know what to do if I don’t hear his voice even for one day. I don’t think I can ...”

The sob came back and the other two couldn’t do anything.

Chinen looked away to the large glass window of his apartment and saw the rain was falling down heavily. He suddenly remembered Takaki and a slight of bad thought flashed in his mind.

_“I wish Inoo-Chan is still with him. I wish he didn’t leave Yuya alone. I wish they reached his home and Inoo stays there to accompany him. I don’t want him to be alone this night.”_

Chinen closed his eyes.

_“Oh my God. Keep him safe.”_

Chinen gulped hard and once again took a glance to the window, silently wished that the rain would stop soon.

Chinen almost jolted, and forced to wake up from the train of his thought when suddenly Yamada got up and smiled sheepishly. He scratched his head.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to force yourselves to accept me. Us. Yuya and I. We do realize that we are crossing the line. We’re disgusting, aren’t we?”

A light slap on his cheek stopped Yamada so sudden. He looked up to see Chinen was staring at him sternly.

“Who do you think I am? Who do you think we are? Didn’t we say that we’re okay with whatever way you chose? Didn’t we say that we will be your shelter even the world go against you? Do you really consider us as your best friends?”

Yamada suddenly lost his words. He gulped hard and looked down again.

“I don’t mean it. I mean ..., I ...”

Yuto hugged him and patted his back. “If I’m disgusted, I won’t do this.”

Once again tears dropped uncontrollably as he muttered thank you many times. Suddenly he saw a little light far away but it was enough for him to ease his feeling. The fear of being rejected by his best friends that lately became the most horrified thought suddenly changed into hope. A hope that would help him to keep Takaki on his side. The hope that they still had a chance to win their love. The hope that they would be happy, just like other couples in the world.

“See? I prefer to see you smile than crying.”

Yamada turned to Yuto who was smiling widely.

“There’s still a hope, isn’t there? Don’t give up.”

Yamada stood up and gathered his things. “Yeah, I hope so.”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m going home.”

Chinen gripped his wrist and stared at him sharply. “I won’t let you go home tonight. Not until you calm yourself. Stay here until you can manage your head. Your home won’t run away even you don’t go home for years. Stay here and let’s us baby you until you can stand on your own again.”

“I’m fine. I’m okay now. Thank you guys. For everything.”

Yuto reached for Yamada’s cheek and made Yamada turned to him.

“I clearly can see that you are not okay.” Yuto said the words slowly with the tone that Yamada couldn’t resist. “In this condition, you will stop somewhere, and crying again, and no one will help you to reach your home, so stay here. We will be here even you chase us away. We’re here.”

Yamada gulped lightly. Never once in his life he saw Yuto this stern. His face didn’t change. He didn’t even see the anger in his expression, but the tone. His tone made him suddenly nodded and couldn’t say no.  



	7. Depression

The rain poured down heavily so sudden. Takaki stopped his car and just gripped the steer. He didn’t move. He just stared to the wet road in front of him. The drops of the rain on the bumper of his car hypnotized him, invited him to join them.  
  
He opened the door and walked out of the car. He looked up to the sky and let the raindrops touched his face. He closed his eyes.  
  
 _You cried._  
  
 _Again._  
  
 _Once again I hurt you._  
  
 _Do I really love you?_  
  
 _Why I hurt you again and again?_  
  
 _I wonder how big your love for me is, so you stand still beside me even I hurt you so many times._  
  
 _So many times until I forgot how many times you cried because of me._  
  
 _Because of me._  
  
 _Because of me you suffered._  
  
 _Because of me you cried a lot._  
  
The tears streamed down his cheeks. He didn’t try to wipe them. He let them drop, wishing that together with them, his hurt would go less.  
  
 _I love you too, but the world will turn to hate you when they know about us. I have to let you go so you will be happy._  
  
 _I’m fine._  
  
 _Let me disappear from you._  
  
 _Let me just go far away from you._  
  
 _Then slowly you will forget about me._  
  
Takaki looked at his feet and clutched his chest.  
  
 _But it’s too hard for me to erase you from my mind._  
  
 _It is too hurt to let you go._  
  
Takaki looked up to the dark sky again, and let the rain fell onto his face. He stretched his arms and got himself ready to embrace the rain.  
  
 _I love you_  
  
He mumbled the words on and on.  
  
He opened his eyes when he didn’t the rain on his body. He saw the rain was still pouring down but they didn’t touch him. He turned and found Inoo was staring at him while holding an umbrella to protect him from the rain.  
  
“Drenching yourself in rain won’t solve any problem you face.”  
  
Takaki looked away but didn’t say anything.  
  
Inoo reached for his arm and almost dragged him to his car. He shoved him to the passenger seat and helped him with the seat belt, and smiled to him.  
  
“Let’s go home.”  
  
He went to Takaki’s car and took the key. He sighed heavily before went back to his car and took Takaki to his home.  
  
Inoo whistled lightly when they entered Takaki’s apartment. “I still can’t believe that you do all the chores. Even Yabu can’t do the cleaning himself after years living alone.” He entered the bathroom and went back with the towel.  
  
“You’d better change those clothes, or you prefer to make your sofa wet.”  
  
Takaki didn’t even give a respond. He just stood there, in the middle of his living room and didn’t move. Inoo sighed heavily and walked to Takaki’s room. He went back with dry clothes and like a mother, he helped Takaki to change.  
  
Takaki still didn’t say anything. He just sat silently on the sofa, hiding his face under the towel that enveloped his head. He didn’t say anything, more like didn’t want to do it. He heard Inoo turned on the stove and few minutes later a glass of hot chocolate was offered to him.  
  
“I will cook for you if you want.”  
  
Takaki suddenly straightened his body and turned to him.  
  
“Please, no.”  
  
Inoo looked at him and sighed heavily. “You’re still underestimating me. I won’t burn your kitchen, trust me.”  
  
Takaki didn’t say anything more. He just shook his head weakly.  
  
Inoo didn’t argue more. He sat beside him and caressed his back. “Want to say something?”  
  
Takaki didn’t respond. He didn’t even move. He just held the glass with his two hands in silent. The hot chocolate was too tempting actually but he had lost his appetite.  
  
Inoo took a glance and sighed again when he got no respond. “I mean, you look very tired. Of something. If you want to tell me, I can keep secret. You know you can trust me.”  
  
Takaki closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Nothing. There’s nothing I can tell you. I’m just ... tired.”  
  
Inoo pursed his lips, almost disappointed with his rejection. “Don’t you want to share something with me? I mean ..., you know ..., we are so close now. I want to know something about you. I want to share some secrets with you, like you did with Chinen years ago, like you did with Yamada lately.”  
  
Takaki opened his eyes so sudden. He didn’t blink for a while. He tried hard to digest about what Inoo just said, but didn’t say anything.  
  
Inoo could feel the tense. He bit his lower lip and tried hard not to dig more than that.  
  
“Just a little secret about a cheap cafe we can visit next time, I’m fine with it. You did that with Yamada, right?”  
  
Takaki closed his eyes again, and slowly breathed heavily, feeling so grateful that Inoo didn’t say he feared.  
  
“Ah, you’re still close with Chinen too now, aren’t you? You know exactly what to do when he was sick. What exactly happened? Why should you bring him to the hospital? Is it that bad until you rushed to the hospital?”  
  
Takaki sighed and stood up. He opened the curtain and stared at the heavy rain outside. “When he was thinking too much, his stomach will rebel. It happened many times in the past, especially around the debut, and I guess he was thinking too much lately too until he got the attack again. I don’t know what he’s thinking now until he got it again.”  
  
Inoo stared at him in silent. _“He is thinking about you. We are thinking about you. We want to help you but don’t know what to do.”_  
  
Takaki turned around and looked down to the glass in his hand. “I can’t read his mind now.”  
  
“Oh.” Inoo nodded many times. He lifted his feet and folded on the sofa. He curled up on the sofa. “I’m so envy. You have persons you can share something.”  
  
Takaki almost stunned in his place. Inoo looked so fragile. He looked so lonely. He leaned on the wall and sipped his chocolate.  
  
“You have Yabu, and Yaotome. They’re close with you, aren’t they?”  
  
Inoo sighed. “But sometimes I feel like I’m just the third wheel. Sometimes I feel I’m just an intruder. They’ve been so close even before we were formed.”  
  
Takaki looked at Inoo intently. Deep inside him he could feel a sudden guilty feeling. He bit his lower lip and turned away. He touched the glass window, and almost could feel the pounding when the rain slapped the window.  
  
 _Is this how you feel all the times? Are you this lonely? How long? I don’t know that you carried the feeling inside you because I always see you enjoying all the times we’ve shared together. I always see you get along with everybody. I don’t know that you are this lonely._  
  
He turned around and stopped when he saw Inoo was closing his eyes. He walked and touched his arm and saw the steady breathe. He smiled lightly and shook his head.  
  
 _How could you act like nothing is happened when you feel the other way? You should show your true feeling so the other will know._  
  
Takaki stunned and suddenly gulped. He blinked many times and turned around.  
  
 _I should say the words to myself. I hide a big secret and don’t tell them about it. We hide a very big secret._  
  
Takaki turned again to Inoo and breathed heavily.  
  
 _But if I tell you about my secret, would you still want to be my friend? Would you still want to joke around like you always did? Would you still want to talk to me like I’m a normal?_  
  
Takaki sighed heavily.  
  
 _I’m not normal. I’m different, and I know you will hate me when you find out about the truth. The truth that I will be the one who destroy us? The one that will bring you down if they found out about me?_  



	8. Intermezzo

Inoo closed the door and sighed when his eyes caught three figures in the room.

“What is happening?”

The three figures looked at him together at the same time, asked Inoo to explain about his question.

“It’s too rare to see you guys in this room this early. I’m just wondering, something might be happening, and I guess I’ve missed it.”

No one answered him. Daiki scratched his head but said nothing too.

“You’re not thinking about something stupid again, aren’t you?”

Daiki looked at him and shook his head. “You do realize that it’s not stupid thing, Inoo-Chan. Okay, I admit that it is stupid to ask whether they’re really together or not to them, but it’s not stupid at all when we think about our future. When they’re caught, we’re done. Why? Because everybody will think that it might be anyone else in the group chose the same way. People will start questions who else of us swing that way. JUMP will be over. No one will believe for everything about us.”

“Guys, please,” Yabu massaged the bridge of his nose, “can we just ..., drop this topic and let it slides. No one will know as long as we keep it. They’ve been hiding it for years and no one of us realize it. They made it. If we keep talking about it, somebody out there will hear and we will be really over.”

Inoo shrugged and walked to the corner. He stopped and walked back to Yabu, and gave him a plastic bag. “You might need it.”

Yabu opened the plastic bag and smiled lightly. He took a can of black coffee before held out the rest to Daiki and Hikaru.

Inoo opened his jacket and stopped for a while. He stared at the wall and didn’t move. “I really wonder.”

No one paid attention to Inoo since he didn’t have any intention of continuing his words.

“I wonder how they do that.”

Hikaru turned to Inoo and raised his brows. “Do what?”

“Having sex.”

Both Daiki and Yabu almost chocked hearing the words. Yabu patted his chest to ease his breathing while Daiki wiped the drink that splashed all over his face.

“Inoo-Chan, you’re thinking too far!”

“You don’t think about that? I mean, man and woman are created to be meant as a couple, but man and man? I wonder how they overcome that part?”

Yabu massaged the bridge of his nose again. “I don’t believe that aside of thinking a way out for them, you’re thinking about that?”

“Isn’t it normal?” Inoo almost bulged his eyes to Yabu. “When you fall in love to someone you are thinking that part too, aren’t you? You want to hug her, you want to kiss her, and you want to do more with her. I’m right, aren’t I?”

Yabu looked away, trying to hide the blush that suddenly appeared on his face.

“He is blushing.” Daiki pointed at the oldest while smiling widely.

“Shut up, shorty!”

“Oi! Don’t call me shorty!”

Yabu smirked and Daiki couldn’t do anything but pouted.

“Inoo-Chan?”

“Yes?”

Hikaru narrowed his eyes and folded his arms. He tapped his chin and pursed his lips before finally smiled. “Can I ask something? About something very personal?”

“Sure?”

“Do you really think about doing ... sex ... with a girl one day?”

Inoo stunned for a while before laughed loudly. “What’s this? Of course I am. One day I will marry a girl and because we are a husband and wife, of course we will doing it. Isn’t it normal? Every couple doing it, right?”

Hikaru sighed heavily.

Inoo suddenly lost his smile. “What’s with the sigh?”

Hikaru shook his head. “Because among all of us, you want to believe it or not, you are the only one who look so gay.”

Daiki laughed loudly so sudden, made Yabu slapped him in his head while smiling widely.

Inoo gaped at the statement.

“And of course it is weird when you asked about how those two are doing it, because I can’t imagine you will be married one day. With a girl, I mean.”

Inoo was still trying to digest Hikaru’s statement. He looked at him in silent and even Hikaru stated his words jokingly, he only found seriousness in his face. He looked at Daiki and Yabu while pointing at Hikaru.

“Is he serious? Do I look like a gay?”

Once again Daiki laughed loudly. He beat his thigh many times for the overwhelming feeling he felt. Yabu smiled widely and shook his head.

“No. For me you don’t look like a gay. You just look so girly.”

Inoo rolled his eyes. He lifted his sleeve and showed them his muscles. “Do you still see me as a girl now?”

Daiki laughed more.

Yabu shook his head and walked over to Inoo. “I didn’t say that I see you as a girl. I said you look girly. That means you are a true man, but you look like a girl. It’s different.”

Inoo pursed his lips and pouted.

“Everyone will say the same, Inoo-chan.” Said Daiki while smiling. “From every side of you, you look like a girl. You’re beautiful, your body is kind of, too slender for a young man. Even Takaki sometimes acted like a girl, but he has the shape of a young man. Everyone sees him as a sexy man, but you ..., “ Daiki tapped his chin and narrowed his eyes, “I agree with Yabu that you really look like a girl.”

The door opened and all of Seven entered.

“What’s it? You seem so serious? Something very important?” Yuto put his bag on the sofa.

“Do I look like a girl?” Inoo asked him and hoped the no answer.

All of Seven turned to him and nodded together.

Inoo gaped and stoned for a moment before taking back his hat and walked out of the room.

“Wait, Inoo-Chan!” Daiki ran and reached his arm. “We’re not serious. Don’t be mad! Please?”

Inoo stopped and turned to Daiki. “I’m not mad. Not at all.”

“So why you ran away?”

Inoo showed Daiki his watch. “The practice almost starts. If we don’t hurry up, we will be late, and the choreographer will be mad, and he won’t let us go home until he feels satisfied to punish us.”

This time, Daiki was the who gaped. He then ran to the hall, ignored Inoo who shook his head while smiling lightly.

“Takaki’s not here yet.”

Inoo turned to find Hikaru was staring at him in worry.

“What?” Daiki walked back to them.

“And his phone is off. I can’t reach him.”

“He’s fine this morning when I left.”

Hikaru stopped and turned to Inoo. “You’re there? In Takaki’s apartment?”

Inoo nodded and continued his walk. “He was drenching himself in the rain last night, and I believe if I didn’t drag him to home, he wouldn’t even be home last night.”

Both Yamada and Chinen stopped their walk so sudden. Chinen was just about to open his mouth to ask when Yamada suddenly turned and ran.

“Ryosuke!”

Daiki turned when a hand gripped his arm. “What?”

“Let him, please. Let them alone.”

Daiki stared at Inoo’s eyes and couldn’t say no. He turned again to the direction where Yamada ran and found the same words from an empty corridor.

_Let him alone._

Daiki gulped and turned again to Inoo. “But the choreographer will be mad, and we ....”

Yabu stepped in front of Daiki, made him stopped his talk so sudden.

“If you keep insisting that our existence will be over, we will be really over. I once read somewhere, I forgot where, that the word we say, every word, is a pray. So please, leave him alone. Let them alone.”

This was the first time in his life Yabu said something seriously to him. Daiki couldn’t even say anything. He lost his words and could only nodded to the oldest of them. He once again turned to the direction where Yamada ran and silently pray that he would be okay.

Daiki turned again when a hand tapped his back. He saw Yuto was smiling at him and nodded lightly, signed him the Yamada would be fine.


	9. Agony

He ran as fast as he could, ignored all taxis that passed him many times. His mind was blank and he couldn’t even digest everything. He couldn’t even think that riding a vehicle could be faster than his feet. He just ran, in hope that he would reach Takaki’s apartment as fast as he could.

Even when he reached the front door of the building, he felt that it was still too far from Takaki’s room. He breathed heavily while waiting for the elevator to come. Many times he took a glance to the stairs, but when he decided to took it, the elevator came. He almost jumped at the elevator, and wished that it wouldn’t take too long to reach the third floor.

It was the longest fifteen seconds in Yamada’s life. He stared at the numbers upon the door of the elevator, and felt it was too long for number three to light on.

Yamada closed his eyes and wished that everything’s okay, that Takaki just got a light fever from the rain, that he would welcome him with his wide smile and warm hug.

He jumped out the elevator right after the door opened and ran to the very end door. Almost trembled, Yamada took the key from his pocket. He cursed himself when the key caught. He stopped, closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and once again took the key again, easily. Quickly, he opened the door and almost ran into the apartment, ignored woman’s shoes in front of the rack.

Yamada stopped. He stoned by the door. The picture in front of him like a very beautiful painting he had ever seen. A very beautiful girl was holding a spoon, ready to feed Takaki. His Takaki Yuya. The person he loved for who knows how long. The person he thought would spare his life forever with him.

His heart stopped beating for a moment. He didn’t move, and didn’t even breath for a while. Before his mind could digest anything, his feet stepped back and silently led him to the door and he went out.

He could feel his feet glued to the ground. It was very hard for him to walk. Every step he took needed all of his power to move his feet, but he kept moving. His heart screamed to stay but his mind betrayed him. He wanted to stay in the room, in the place where his love was laying helplessly. He wanted to stay beside his Yuya, but the place was taken. It was taken by a very beautiful girl. From every angle, they looked perfect together. They looked very comfortable with each other. They looked very comfortable to each other.

Yamada stopped and closed his eyes.

_“Can’t we just stop this?”_

The words rang loudly in his ears.

_Don’t tell me that this is the reason why you want to end ours. Please, tell me that what I just saw was just an illusion. It’s only coincidence that she’s there._

Yamada opened his eyes and started to move again.

_It’s just a coincidence. You love me, and you know how much I love you. We’ve been through everything to stay together for years. I know that we are crossing the line ..._

He Stopped suddenly and didn’t move. His mind was suddenly blank. He couldn’t think about anything.

_We are crossing the line. Yes, we did. We’re not normal._

The picture of his Yuya and the girl kept mingling in his mind. Tears dropped on his cheek. He wiped them quickly, and he started to walk again, almost ran to nowhere.

He didn’t know how but he stopped right in front of the door of his apartment. He stood there, and suddenly felt so lonely.

He closed the door silently. He walked weakly to the sofa and almost dropped himself on it. All of his strength lost and he surrendered when his body forced to lay. He closed his eyes, tried hard to find a name. Now, he suddenly realize that the face was very familiar. The girl. He knew her, but he couldn’t remember a name. He tried hard to dig his memory, deeper than he had ever did, but still couldn’t find any name.

Yamada took a very deep breathe.

_“We are crossing the line.”_

The words kept mingling over and over.

_I know it. Indeed, we are crossing the line, but I still don’t want to lose you. I love you, too much until I can’t breath any breathe without whispering your name. Too much until I’m not sure that I can live this life without seeing you everyday._

_I love you._

_Yuya._

_I love you._

_I can’t lose you now._

_What should I do without you?_

_What is the meaning of life if I can’t see you everyday?_

_What life is for?_

Yamada curled and opened his eyes. He took a glance around and suddenly felt that the room was too silent. It was suddenly felt too wide for him. The tears dropped once again and he let them. He closed his eyes and took a very deep breathe. He could smell Takaki from the sofa. He turned around and touched it, tried to find the remnants of Takaki’s presence, hoping that he could touch him.

_Even I know that we are crossing the line, I can’t lose you._

_You looked very perfect together with the girl, but I ..._

Suddenly Yamada opened his eyes and didn’t blink for a while. A name flashed in his mind.  
  
_Shinkawa. It’s Shinkawa Yua._


	10. Gloom

Daiki turned to the others and shook his head. “He didn’t pick.”

Everybody looked at each other without words. They just shared their thought in silence, didn’t dare to voice out their mind.

Inoo was the first one who walked out of the room, followed with the others, still without any words. They walked fast, almost run, to one direction. No one commanded. No one told them where they should go. They just knew where to find Yamada.

It’s Takaki’s apartment.

Inoo breathed heavily before knocking at the door loudly.

A face with wide smile welcomed them when the door finally opened after a while. They stunned before nodded politely to the girl.

“Come on in, and make yourself comfortable.”

One by one they entered the room, still without any words. They’re too surprised to see the girl in the room, didn’t expect the meeting, more like too surprised until loosing their words.

“He’s fine now. Much better than yesterday. I hope he will catch up with you tomorrow.”

Inoo nodded lightly. “Where’s he?”

“He’s sleeping. He just drank his medicine. I’m sorry.”

“No. It’s okay. We came without telling him first. I’m sorry.”

The girl smiled. He caressed Inoo’s arm gently. “Want to drink something?”

Most of the boys shook their head quickly.

“We came here right from the rehearsal.” Yabu scratched the back of his head, almost confused how to voice out his mind. “We just want to know how’s he. Glad that he’s fine now.”

The girl smiled again. “He’s really fine now.”

“Yuki-San,” Inoo gulped lightly before decided to ask. “Is there anyone else here? I mean ... Yamada didn’t come to practice today. We think he’s here.”

The girl looked at Inoo. “I’m sorry. I just came this morning but no one’s here. Yamada wasn’t here too. Yuya’s all alone until I came. There’s no one here. Have you called him? Perhaps he’s in apartment. Don’t tell me that he’s sick too.”

“No, no, no. He’s fine. At least he’s fine yesterday when he left. I hope he just had something important to do today that made he didn’t come to practice.” Inoo smiled. “I guess we’ll just leave.”

“You don’t want to wait for him to wake up?”

“You know that we are so noisy when we gather in one place, so I guess it’s better for us to leave. Let Takaki sleep more, so he’ll recover soon.”

Yuki smiled apologetically and let the boys left. She closed the door and sighed heavily. She walked to the room and stared to her brother intently.

_What will happen to you if they found out about the truth? I hope they won’t leave you. I hope they will stay beside you no matter what happens._

The boys didn’t hear the wish, but they could read the sign. They could read her mind from her eyes. Inoo could see clearly the wish. He could read the unsecured feeling, and he promised himself to stay beside Takaki for whatever happens.

Once again Inoo breathed heavily while standing in front of Yamada’s door, but before he knocked it, Chinen had already unlocked the door and almost ran into the room. There, on the couch, they found Yamada was curling up in silent.

“Ryosuke ..., you should call us if you want to skip.”

The person didn’t move. He didn’t sleep, but didn’t respond either.

Some of them shook their heads and rolled their eyes to see him, but Yuto just stared intently to Yamada. He felt something was not right. He walked to him and touched his shoulder.

“Ryosuke.”

The said person didn’t budge. He was still curling up without any move.

“Ryosuke, please say something.”

Chinen and Daiki walked closer and could feel their heart beat faster so sudden. Inoo slapped Yamada’s forehead lightly but got no respond.

Yabu and Hikaru could only stare at each other.

“Ryosuke, please. This isn’t the time to mute. Say something. At least tell me what is happening?”

Yamada remained motionless. He curled more, and it made Yuto and Chinen looked at each other in worry.

Inoo pulled Yamada until he sat down and made him sat straight, but when he let his hold go, Yamada curled up again.

“Ryosuke, look at me.” Daiki patted his cheek, forced Yamada to face him, but failed. “Ryosuke! Tell me what happened!”

Yamada still didn’t respond. Everybody suddenly realized that his eyes were red.

“Don’t tell me that he didn’t sleep since yesterday.” Hikaru walked closer to him and patted Yamada’s cheek many times just to receive the same respond. He looked intently to him and found that his stare was blank.

“Did Takaki do something?”

Like a bell, the word ‘Takaki’ suddenly woke Yamada up. He suddenly sat and looked at them in wonder.

“Where’s Yuya?”

Daiki reached his face and made Yamada focused at him. “Did Takaki do something?” He repeated his question, with gentler tone.

“Huh? No! What do you mean? He didn’t do anything. Where’s he? He’s not here?”

Daiki sighed heavily. “Answer me honestly, what did Takaki do yesterday to you?”

“What?” Yamada stared at Daiki and didn’t get what Daiki was trying to dig. “He didn’t do anything. What do you mean? Did something happen?”

Chinen pushed Daiki away from the couch, and he sat in front of Yamada. He smiled and caressed Yamada’s arm. “There’s nothing happened to Yuya. He’s fine. Yuki is with him right now, so you don’t have to be worried about him.

_“Yuki? I saw Shinkawa yesterday.”_

Yamada stoned for a while.

_“Did I see it right? Is it only my imagination?”_

“Ryosuke.”

Once again Yamada was being pulled to reality by Daiki’s voice.

“Did something happen yesterday?”

Inoo pulled Daiki to step back before he could ask Yamada more.  
“Have you eaten?”

“Huh?” Yamada looked at Hikaru, didn’t understand about the question. “What?”

“Food. Have you eaten? Did you take any bite of something yesterday?”

Yamada just stared at Hikaru for a while before looked away. “I’m not hungry.”

Hikaru turned away and walked to the kitchen.

“He didn’t eat since yesterday.” Yabu followed. He opened the fridge and looked for something.

“Definitely.” Hikaru planted his cheeks while sighing heavily. His mind rolled so fast, analyzing everything. He tried hard to connect every thing he could think, but found nothing. “Something must’ve happened yesterday. Looking at him now, it must be something big.”

Yabu crashed the egg in a bowl and stirred it.

_“I hope there’s nothing happened between them.”_

“I hope there’s nothing happened between them.” Hikaru mumbled loudly. “The concert is already set, the tickets almost sold out, I don’t want the management cancels everything.”

Yabu gritted his teeth hard. He wished the same thing with Hikaru but didn’t dare to voice it out. It was still clear in his mind the way Takaki and Yamada cried. The recording was mingling in his head over and over like a slow movie in his memory. Yabu gulped, and closed his eyes.

“Listen ..., “

“I don’t mean to be mean, but after all Daiki was right.”

Yabu bit his lower lip. “I know. Daiki was right. They’re not working alone. They work with us, as a group. They should consider the group before doing everything, but you do know too that when we’re talking about feeling, we should put aside all of the logic things.”

Hikaru sighed. “You want to hear my real opinion?”

Yabu turned to him while receiving the fried egg.

“Love is a thing you can’t force. You can love anyone you want. As long as you don’t hurt anyone else, you can love anyone you want. Don’t mind about what people think about you. If you love somebody, tell them honestly, or you keep it as unrequited, but you have to prepare yourself to be hurt forever.”

Hikaru stopped for a while and just stared at the pan in front of him. He sighed heavily.

“I want to send them to a place where nobody can’t touch them. A place where they can love to each other freely. A place where they can show their love. A place where they don’t have to hide their feeling.”

Yabu smiled widely. He patted Hikaru’s back and walked away to Yamada.

Hikaru stared at Yabu’s back and breathed heavily. He shook his head weakly. “But we can’t just put aside all the logic. We are living in a very strict society. A society with a very high moral code.”


	11. Endeavor

Chinen could only sigh when he saw Yamada was still curling up on the bed. It was his third day in Yamada’s apartment and he made no progress at all. Yamada wasn’t pay any attention to anything. He was on and off. He was staying in his own world and no one can touch him, and when he was aware enough, he would only look at them in silent.

He called Takaki, tried to dig something but got no answer. Takaki didn’t give any clue. He once came to Takaki’s apartment to find a clue but the older gave impression that he didn’t know anything.

Chinen walked over and sat on the bed. He touched Yamada and caressed his back gently.

“What happened to you?”

Yamada stretched weakly. He was still sleeping, and Chinen wished that he would sleep more.

“Should we take him to the expert?”

Chinen turned to Yuto and suddenly looked at him in horror. “Do you think he needs one?”

Yuto shrugged. “Better than doing nothing. He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t even want to say something so far. It’s been three days. The management started to ask about his absent. Everyone started to wonder. He is a very responsible person so far, so I guess it is very reasonable if everybody asks about his absent.”

Chinen looked back to Yamada and sighed heavily. “I still wonder what happened.”

The bell of the door rang and both Chinen and Yuto looked at the door almost together. Yuto walked out of the room and opened the door. He raised his brows when suddenly Inoo burst into the room while almost dragging someone he never met before.

“It’s him. Please do something.”

The person stood in silence for a while before sat on the bed and touched Yamada.

“Who’s he?” Chinen asked in a very low voice.

Yuto shrugged and didn’t let his eyes off of the person.

“A friend of mine. He studied psychiatry. I hope he can help.”

“What’s the name?” Asked the person.

“Yamada. Yamada Ryosuke.”

The person patted Yamada’s arm gently. “Yamada Ryosuke, can I ask you something? I really need this thing, can you open your eyes for a moment?”

Yamada suddenly opened his eyes and got up lazily. He stared at the person in wonder.

“I’m Shiratori Kanji. I’m sorry but I really need your help.”

Yamada stared at Shiratori in silent, but then he nodded.

“This sister of mine, Mina, she’s your fan. And now she is sick. Is it okay for you to at least give her your sign? I’m sorry, but I really want to cheer her.”

Yamada didn’t respond. He just looked at nowhere in silent.

“It’s okay if you feel you don’t want to do it. I’m sorry for bothering.”

Suddenly Yamada smiled widely and turned to Shiratori. “It’s okay. I’m fine with it.” He got up from the bed and took out a piece of paper from his drawer. He signed the paper and gave it to Shiratori. “I hope she’ll get well soon.”

Shiratori smiled widely too. “She will definitely be well soon.” He led Yamada to follow him and made him sat on the bed. “You have a sister?”

Yamada nodded.

“They’re fantastic aren’t they? Every part of them. Both outside and inside.”

Yamada smiled widely and almost giggled to the statement.

“They will scream just for a little pimple on their face, and cry just for a very simple thing they saw.”

Inoo felt light so sudden. He walked out of the room and took a bottle of water from the fridge.

“Who’s he?”

Inoo gulped the water and turned. “An acquaintance of my college day. He’s very smart.”

“Do you think we can trust him?”

Inoo put the bottle on the table and looked at Yuto. “I told him everything about me. So far there’s no leak. Let’s hope he doesn’t change.”

Yuto nodded many times and turned around. He sat on the couch and sighed heavily. “We really have to do something. Everybody started to ask about him.”

Inoo breathed heavily and sat beside Yuto. He massaged his nape. “I searched. And concluded that it’s about him and Takaki. I don’t know what happened between them but I’m very sure that it’s about them.”

“Yuya didn’t say anything?”

Inoo shook his head. “It’s Takaki Yuya. He won’t say anything.”

Yuto gripped his hair tightly and pulled them many times. “It’s very complicated. Every part of me screamed they should be together forever, but reality won’t accept it.”

Inoo tapped Yuto’s back but didn’t say anything. He planted his cheek and looked at nothing. His mind worked very hard to digest everything but nothing came.

“Shiratori asked the thing you bought on the way here.”

Inoo and Yuto looked up together to see Chinen was staring at Inoo intently.

“What did you buy?”

Inoo stoned for a while before realizing something. He fished his pocket and took out a little bag, and gave it to Chinen.

“What’s this?”

“We went to a drug store on the way here. He said perhaps Yamada needs it.”

“What’s this?”

Inoo shook his head. “I didn’t ask.”

Chinen stoned and just stared at Inoo intently. A silent question darted to the older who just sighed as the respond.

“We can trust him. He won’t do any harm to Yamada.”

Chinen kept silent for a moment while staring intently to Inoo before walked away after taking a bottle of water.

Inoo scratched his head, and this time, Yuto was the one who tapped his back gently.

“I know. He just worried about Yamada. I’m fine.”

Both Inoo and Yuto didn’t say anything for sometimes, until Chinen walked out again from the room. This time, Shiratori followed behind him.

Shiratori stared at them in silent for a while. He had something in his mind but afraid to ask. He sighed heavily and looked at Inoo.

“He needs a lot of time to rest. He’s too tired. Very tired until his mind and his body can’t synchronize correctly. He’s fine, just needs a very much time to rest. He should refresh his mind so his body can work exactly like he wanted to.”

“You mean he should take a total rest?”

“Yes.” Shiratori turned to Chinen and smiled lightly. “You know, when you’ve been pushed until your limit, you will reach this phase. The phase where you don’t want to do anything. The phase where you just want to stop doing anything. He is in this phase right now. Give him time. He will come back to his track when he feels he’s fine already.”

The three of them didn’t say anything. They kept silent. More like confused whether they should tell Shiratori about Yamada’s secret or not.

Shiratori could read them. He smiled again.

“I don’t know about you, but I can see Yamada is hiding something too. And I can see that it is a very big thing.”

Inoo looked away and Shiratori read it as a yes.

“You don’t have to tell me what is it, but if you think Yamada can’t handle it, and you can’t do anything to help too, you can tell me. He is my first patient. All doctors won’t leak their patients’ secret.”

Inoo looked at Shiratori. “You passed? Got the license?”

Shiratori nodded. “I just received the news when you called me.”

“Is this secret will ... “ Chinen stopped. He confused to continue his words.

“Depends on how big the secret is.” Shiratori turned to him and could see that Chinen didn’t satisfy enough with his statement. “But the most important of everything is that you stay beside him. He is in a difficult time. A time where he is confused with his own life. A time where he is feeling all alone. You should stay beside him always. Don’t ever leave him alone. I mean in all meaning.”

Yuto and Chinen looked at each other, promised in silent that they would stay and wouldn’t leave Yamada alone. While Inoo, he kept silent for a moment before looked at Shiratori.

“What if ..., someone else has the same situation with Yamada. I mean, has the same problem with him, and this person didn’t say any word to other. He just bottled it up everything by himself and didn’t tell anyone.”

“I can’t tell without meeting face to face with the person, but everyone has their limit. Once the person steps into his limit, there’re only two things. He will walk out of the problem safely with his own will, or he will fall into the dungeon of darkness forever, and no one can rescue him.”

Inoo gulped hard. He stared to Chinen and could see Chinen was staring back at him in horror.

_“And Yuya is the person who always bottled up everything inside. He never tells anyone about his problem.”_


	12. Finding

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

Takaki turned to her and looked back to the road in front of him. He sighed but didn’t say anything.

“I’m really fine now. There’s no need to worry that much.”

“Of course I’m worried. There’s no one around you when you’re sick.”

Takaki snorted. “There is. Yuki took care of me when she had time.”

“But there’s no one around when I came to visit.”

Takaki smiled again. “Who told you that I was sick?”

“No one. I just had a feeling that I have to see you. I don’t know why, or how, but so far I remember I already stood in front of your door.”

Takaki chuckled. “Your instinct is scary.”

“This is what people called love. I love you. So much until I can feel it when you’re sick.”

“But you don’t realize it until you came to my place.”

Shinkawa smiled sheepishly. “That’s ... “

Takaki laughed lightly.

“Ah! How’s Yamada?”

Takaki suddenly shut his mouth. He bit his lower lips tightly.

“What is it? something happened?”

“No. It’s just, I didn’t see him in today’s rehearsal.”

“What the others say?”

“Nothing. They didn’t say anything.” Takaki pushed the brake when he saw the red light in the front. He tapped the steer continuously. “I don’t know. I feel something isn’t right. The way the others looked at me today. I feel like, they are judging me for something.”

Shinkawa looked at Takaki in silent.

_Are they starting to realize it? About their relationship?_

“Do you think they knew it?”

Shinkawa smiled. He stared at the nervous Takaki and suddenly feeling she had to say something to calm him. “Even if they knew it, they won’t do anything. They will just let it slide and I’m sure they’re happy too.”

“I’m not sure they will let it slide just like that. They will dig until we can’t hide anymore. And the worse, they will run away from us. It’s okay for me, but I feel bad for Ryosuke. JUMP is the most important thing for him now. I can’t imagine what will happen to him if we brake up.”

“JUMP will be fine. It will be totally just fine. It’s been eleven years, you stayed there for each other, you stood to each other for whatever happened. I believe they will stand for you too now, no matter what happened. They will support whatever way you choose. You chose, Yamada had chosen the same way too. They will be there for you.”

“It’s different. Ryu’s case was normal case. Even Keito’s case is normal too. But us? We’re not normal.”

“Normal or not, love is love. People can’t do anything about it. People can’t judge others based on it. It is love.”

Takaki smiled and shook his head.

“You love Yamada. Too much until you never give me any chance to show my love for you.”

Takaki suddenly gritted his teeth hard but still didn’t say anything.

“You don’t give me any room in your heart to stay even just for a while.”

“I’m sorry.”

Shinkawa smiled and patted Takaki’s arm.

“I’m fine though. I will still love you with all my heart even you don’t love me back.” Shinkawa turned to the road too and sighed. “Yamada is very blessed to receive such a big love. He should be the happiest person in the world.”

“But we are against the rule. We are crossing the line.”

“So what? You love him and he loves you. That’s it. Never mind what others will say. They’re just jealous over your love. Because they don’t have the person they love that much. Because they don’t have the person who loves them that much. They’re just jealous.”

“We shouldn’t be together.”

“Yes, you should. You love each other. You should be together.”

Takaki turned to the girl and got the reassuring look from her. He sighed heavily and shook his head.

“It is very easy to talk.”

“It is very easy to do it too. Don’t mind what others will say. There will be no end if you always hear what people say about you. Just live your own life. Never mind them.”

Takaki smiled weakly and shook his head once again.

“Are we too bold?”

Shinkawa looked at him but said nothing.

“Am I too bold until you can see me thoroughly?”

Shinkawa still couldn’t get what Takaki tried to ask so she didn’t say anything.

“I never tell you anything but you found out about me and Yamada.”

Shinkawa smiled and she turned to Takaki. She touched his arm. “You don’t know anything about women, aren’t you?”

Takaki looked at her in silent.

“We have our instinct. This cannot be explained with words. I just knew it. You don’t have to tell me that you love Yamada, but I knew it. You only told me once about him, but the way you called his name’s different. There’s love in it. How do I know, don’t ask me that. I just know.”

Takaki shook his head once again. “You’re scary, really.”

Shinkawa grinned widely. “Oh! Don’t be scared of me because I still want to stay beside you.”

Takaki snorted but said nothing.

The light turned green and they drove away.

Out of their sight, three pairs of eyes stared at them in silent from the other direction.

“Is that Takaki?”

“It is Takaki’s car, and I’m really sure he is the one who’s driving it.”

“Who is the one in the passenger seat?”

“Shinkawa Yua.”

They said nothing more. No one looked at each other. They just kept silent in their place. Hikaru tapped the steer in a steady rhythm, Yabu just looked out side the window, and Inoo did nothing on the back seat. He just looked at the way Takaki went away.

“Many times ago there’s a rumor about Yamada and Satoko,” Yabu took a glance to his friends, “and then we found out about Takaki and Yamada. Now we just saw Takaki and Shinkawa. Which one is the true couple?”

Inoo sighed and once again looked out the way Takaki went away.

“And what happened to Yamada until he closed himself from everything?”

Inoo sighed again. “It is still clear in my mind the way they cried and I believe it’s true. They didn’t play us a trick.”

“The concert cancelled, and thanks the management that found another reason to do it.” Yabu almost mumbled the words but loud enough to the others to hear. “But we can’t stay like this forever.”

Something flashed in his mind, and Hikaru turned to the back seat. “This is the scenario. You love Takaki, too much until you can’t think anything straightly. Then one day, you see him with a girl. You suddenly realize that you have zero chance to get him to be yours, because reality will choose the girl over you to be his couple. Question, what will happen to you?”

Inoo didn’t even blink for a while. He just looked at Hikaru but said nothing. He suddenly could see everything clearly.

“If me, I will go crazy.” Yabu was the one who responded. “Do you think Yamada saw them?”

“That’s the only possibility we can think.”

Hikaru turned back to the front. His mind rolled so fast until he felt nauseous for a moment. He breathed heavily many times to reduce the nausea. He bit his lower lip and scratched his head weakly.

“It must be happened between the time he ran away when he heard Takaki wasn’t coming to rehearsal that day, until we visit Takaki to find that Yuki was there.”

“Do you think he saw Shinkawa in Takaki’s appartment?”

“That’s the only possibility I can think. You know, unfortunately Takaki and Shinkawa look good together. If I’m in Yamada’s position, I will suddenly feel insecure. Who am I? A man. Only a man. Society won’t accept me even I try to fight to get his love. Society will force me to surrender my feeling and give the girl a chance to love Takaki.”

Inoo didn’t say anything along the conversation. He just kept silent in the back seat and tried to analyze everything. He closed his eyes and could feel the twisted feeling Takaki had felt.

_He loves Yamada. I’m sure he loves him so much. His tears told me everything. His silent told me everything. He just confused with the future of their relationship. He doesn’t want everybody to suffer. If people found out about their relationship, JUMP will get the worst result. And the worst result we will get is the management will force us to brake._

_He just doesn’t want that to happen._

_He wants everybody to be happy._

“Inoo-Chan?”

Inoo opened his eyes so sudden. He looked at his friends who looked at him in worry.

“Are you okay?”

Inoo blinked his eyes many times. He nodded many times to assure his friends that he’s okay.

“Yes, I’m fine. I’m just thinking. I’m fine.”

“You’re thinking about Takaki.”

Inoo looked at Hikaru and nodded weakly.

“Yes. And I still believe in him. He loves Yamada and there’s no way he will cheat on him.”

Hikaru and Yabu looked at each other but said nothing.


	13. Shifting

He sighed heavily. He couldn’t avert his eyes from the figure in front of him. Sometimes the figure mumbled something in his sleep, but he couldn’t catch what he said.

_“Is loving someone will be this hurt? Why do you still love him that much even you are hurt this much?”_

Daiki shook his head.

_I clearly can see how much your love for him. Too much until you can’t think everything clearly._

Daiki sighed heavily and touched Yamada’s feet.

“Ryosuke.”

The figure opened his eyes lazily.

“It’s almost eight. We should get going for the meeting.”

Yamada got up and stared at Daiki in silent, made Daiki’s heart beat faster than before.

_“No. Please not again. Please stay with me. We have an appointment at nine. Please stay with me. Don’t go to your own world again. We promised Kazama that you will come today. Please, don’t let others judge you bad. Please stay with me. You are the most reliable person so far I know, but look at you now. You can’t even want to move from your place.”_

Yamada scratched his neck and yawned.

“Is it today?”  
Silently, Daiki breathed heavily. “Yes, it is. Come on, go get dressed.”

Yamada scratched his arm and lazily got up from the bed. Once again he yawned and closed the bathroom door.

Daiki breathed heavily dramatically and closed his eyes. He shook his head.

_No. If loving somebody will be this hurt, I’d better not thinking that thing. I don’t want to hurt someone I love. I’d rather kill myself than to hurt the one I love._

Daiki stopped moving and opened his eyes. He turned to the closed bathroom and blinked many times.

_Does Takaki know that Yamada is suffering because of him?_

Daiki walked to the window and opened it, feeling the Spring breeze hit his face.

_What will happen if he finds that Yamada is suffering because of him._

Daiki gritted his teeth.

_No. He shouldn’t know about it. If he finds that Yamada is suffering because of him, Takaki will kill himself. He will blame himself and no one will be able to save him. Takaki is Takaki. He won’t listen to anyone. He will surely kill himself._

Daiki closed his eyes once again and turned around.

_Why love is so complicated?_

“Dai-Chan, are you okay?”

Daiki opened his eyes and saw Yamada raised his brows at him, made him nodded many times.

“I’m fine. Are you ready? I mean, it’s okay if you don’t want to go.”

Yamada laughed. “What’s wrong with you. I’m totally fine. It is you who look so troubled. What is it?”

Daiki kept silent for a while. He observed Yamada and sighed heavily.

“Just wonder about something I really couldn’t get.”

Yamada reached his head. “And what is it?”

Daiki looked at Yamada intently, feeling the urge of yelling at Yamada that he was wondering about him, but he shook his head.

“Nothing. Just something unnecessary.”

Yamada turned to him and furrowed his brows. “So far I know, if you are thinking until this part of yours,” Yamada pointed at the bridge of Daiki’s nose, “wrinkled, then it must be something big. The thing you’re thinking must be something very important. What is it?”

Daiki blinked many times and sighed again. “It’s about love.”

Yamada could feel his heart stopped beating for a while. He smiled and tapped Daiki’s shoulder. “And this friend of mine starts thinking about something very big.” He smiled widely now. “And who is this lucky person?”

Daiki stared at him and shook his head. “No. It’s not that. I mean ..., I’m just wondering how it feels when you love someone. You know, many times I saw people cried because of that thing, but still they fall in love. Why?”

Once again Yamada could feel his heart stopped beating for a while. He sighed heavily to ease himself before sitting on the couch.

“You know what, it’s something you can’t explain. Even I can’t explain it to you too. You will know it when you are in love with someone. You don’t need any tutorial book to understand about it. It is automatically. You will suddenly realize it when you are in love with someone. You will suddenly understand it, and that’s it. No one can explain it.”

Daiki almost stoned in his place. He felt he knew Yamada from diapers but he saw someone else in front of him right now. The person who was talking to him at the time was someone else. It wasn’t his best friend. He knew Yamada always tried to do the best in his every decision, but this part was different. He was totally different at the time.

“You’re in love with someone?”

Yamada stoned at the question and tried his best not to look surprised. He smiled and looked at Daiki. “Do you think we are allowed to do that?”

Daiki looked away.

_Yes you are. It is clearly drawn all over your eyes._

“Let’s go?”

“Yeah, let’s go.”

Not much talking along the way. They just walked together in silent. Many times Daiki should pull Yamada to walk when suddenly he stopped and fell into a very deep thought.

He almost breathed heavily when he saw everyone was waiting in the lobby. Chinen suddenly stood up and pulled Yamada to the couch.

“Are you sure you’re okay now? I mean, we can find a reason if you still feel not okay.”

Yamada looked at Chinen in wonder. “What do you mean, of course I’m fine. What reason? I don’t need that?”

Chinen sighed. “You looked very tired lately. You slept more than before. It is really fine to skip when you feel not fine.”

“Again?” Yamada raised his brows and sighed. “What is happening, guys? You treat me like I’m ..., sick. Like ..., I should take more rest. Like ..., I don’t know, but I think you’re too overprotective to me. I’m fine. I’m really fine.”

Daiki and Yuto looked at each other in silent, while Inoo was just staring at Yamada with no words.

Hikaru came with papers on his hands. “I got this from the receptionist.” He read the papers and suddenly stopped moving.“Lucky unlucky?” He furrowed his brows. “Did we hear this phrase before?”

The rest of them suddenly looked at Hikaru but said nothing. They tried to remember but couldn’t find any clue.

“We’re so lucky with all the fame we’ve got, but we’re so unlucky with love. Yes, I did say it some times ago. Why?” Chinen stared at Hikaru while glancing at Yamada who was just sitting silently beside him.  
Hikaru didn’t give any answer. He just showed them the papers he got. “The next song.”

No one moved for a while. They just looked at each other in silent. Threw a silent question about the phrase.

“Did someone hear us that time?”

Some of them looked at each other in horor.

“It’s okay. We didn’t talk something weird that time. We just confirming about what Takaki had thought about love.” Chinen put his hat on and reached Yamada’s hand and pulled him to the elevator.

“It’s different though.” Inoo glued his eyes to the paper. “The content of the lyric. It’s talking about something else. There’s no sign about what happened next that day. I hope.” He stared at Yabu, asked for his support but got nothing.

Yabu breathed heavily. “Okay. Let’s forget about that thing now.“ He massaged the bridge of his nose. “I feel like my heart’s going to stop any time imagining people found out about it.”

“Yamada’s fine now.” Daiki stopped and looked at the direction where the said person just disappeared. “At least he is talking now.”

No one said anything for a while.

“Come on, Kazama had waited for us since hours ago.”

“Takaki isn’t here.”

Everybody looked at Inoo and suddenly realized that Takaki wasn’t there.

“Have you called him?”

At the same time the front door opened and Takaki walked in. “Sorry, guys. Trapped in a traffic jam down town. There’s a car crash in the intersection.”

Hikaru furrowed his brows and pointed at his eyes. “What’s this?”

“Nothing.”

“You didn’t sleep last night?”

Takaki turned and walked to the elevator but said nothing. Hikaru didn’t say anything more, and only glanced at him sharply many times. Inoo just looked at the floor all the time, so ware Daiki and Yuto. While Yabu, he stared at Takaki through the small line mirror around the door of the elevator. He watched Takaki like wanted to read him, but he couldn’t. Takaki looked blank. He didn’t show any emotion on his face. He didn’t show any emotion on his gestures.

The longest fifteen seconds in their life finally reached its end. Finally the door of the elevator opened. The suffocating atmosphere in the elevator suddenly dispersed, and they walked out fast.

Everybody could see Takaki stopped for a second when he saw Yamada was sitting on the couch outside the meeting room, before walked again and took a place the farthest from Yamada. He leaned on the wall and stayed silent.

Yabu stood beside Takaki but still didn’t say anything too. He didn’t know why but he felt he must stay beside him.


	14. Buddy

Takaki didn’t say anything along the meeting. He just kept silent and didn’t even look at the others all the time. He was also the first person who walked out of the room. There’s no good bye. He just walked out. He took a little glance to Yamada when he passed him but that’s all. He didn’t even say anything.

Yabu sighed heavily and shook his head.

_You should’ve talk to me so you don’t have to carry it alone. I don’t mind you being a gay. I really don’t mind it at all._

“You’ve been looking at him like you want to eat him alive.”

Yabu turned to see Hikaru was staring at him intently. He sighed again and looked back to Takaki.

“I can’t take this anymore.”

With that, Yabu suddenly walked fast and reached for Takaki’s arm. Almost pulled him, Yabu dragged Takaki to the stairs and cornered him to the wall.

“When I said you can tell me everything, I really meant you can tell me everything. When I said everything, it means every little thing you need to tell me.”

Takaki gulped but stayed silent. He gritted his teeth very hard.

“Takaki, please. Can’t you trust me?”

Takaki averted his eyes from Yabu. He couldn’t hold his heart seeing Yabu’s expression at the time.

“For your information, I saw you with Shinkawa many days ago.”

Takaki stoned. His eyes almost bulged, but he said nothing.

“I can see love in her eyes when she looked at you. She loves you.”

Once again Takaki gulped hard.

“But your eyes darted somewhere else.”

Takaki froze. Slowly he turned to Yabu and gulped hard when he saw Yabu was staring intently at him.

“And I know where do your eyes darted.”

Takaki could feel the world around him fell so sudden. He could hear the sound of its collapse. He suddenly felt boneless. His body slumped until he sat on the floor. He facepalmed himself and gritted his teeth very hard.

_I knew that they will find it. I’m too bold. I can’t handle my feeling when Ryosuke’s around. I can’t averted my eyes from him when he’s around. I knew somebody will recognize it. I knew sooner or later we will be busted. What should I do? What should I say?_

“Takaki, please. Don’t make me conclude anything by myself. Tell me. You can tell me everything. I really mean it.”

“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I’m sorry.”

Yabu reached Takaki’s arm and pulled him. “Come on, get up. I can’t hear you clearly when you say anything while ducking your head.”

Takaki gulped and didn’t dare to look at Yabu.

“I’m sorry. I ruined everything.”

“Ruined what? You didn’t do anything. You didn’t ruin anything, why say sorry?”

Takaki shook his head. “No. I did ruin everything. If I stay here more than this, JUMP will be suffered. It will be our doomsday. I have to go away from here.”

“No! I won’t let you go anywhere.” Yabu reached for Takaki’s shoulder and forced him to sit straight. “You don’t ruin anything. I’m fine for everything you’ve chosen. I know how it feels when you have to hide your feeling tightly while you want to shout out loudly. I do really know how hurt it is. So please, don’t run away. You won’t solve anything with run away. You will just make Ryosuke more sad than this. He loves you too. I can see so much love in his eyes every time he looks at you. Too much until he can’t handle it when he saw you with that girl.”

Once again Takaki froze. He looked at Yabu who stared at him apologetically.

Yabu slumped and sighed. “Maybe he saw you with the girl. Perhaps. I don’t know. Ryosuke shut himself from everything last days. That’s why he didn’t go anywhere. That’s the reason why he was absent last days.”

Once again Takaki felt boneless.

_I hurt him. I hurt him that much._

“No. You didn’t do anything. I know you don’t love her. I know you only love Ryosuke, and there’s no more room for someone else. You don’t hurt him. It’s just ..., Ryosuke saw you in the wrong time.”

Takaki felt his tears forced to fall but he gritted his teeth hard to prevent them. He stood up, wobbled at the process, made Yabu caught him quickly before he fell.

“Am I this bad? Falling with someone I shouldn’t even to, then hurt him.”

“You’re not hurting him. At all. He concluded everything by himself. He didn’t ask you, did he? He didn’t confirm it to you, right?”

Takaki gulped, and the tears fell. “Still, he’s hurt.” Takaki gripped his head. “Oh, my God. I shouldn’t even see him. I shouldn’t even fall for him.”

“You can’t predict what your heart is feeling. You can’t even predict where it goes.”

Takaki knelt and gripped his hands until his knuckles turned white. “We shouldn’t meet from the very beginning. I knew I was in the wrong place since the very beginning but they told me that I wasn’t. Now I know that I shouldn’t be here since the start.”

Yabu grabbed him and forced Takaki to face him.

“No, you’re wrong. Your place is here. You should be here from the very beginning. You’re definitely not in the wrong place from the very start.”

“We crossed the line, Yabu. The society will hate us when they found about us. We will drag you to a doom if we keep this going.”

“There’s nothing will happen because love always wins.”

Takaki closed his eyes.

“It is very easy to talk, isn’t it? We shouldn’t fall in love. We should get married one day, with a girl. That’s the norm.”

“But even you yourself can’t force your feeling to a certain person. You love Yamada, and that’s final. Fight for it. I’m right behind you. We’re right behind you.”

Takaki kept silent for a while before chuckled lightly.

“You talk like it’s something very common.”

Yabu nodded firmly. “It is. Loving somebody then fighting for it is a very normal thing you should do.” Yabu smiled. “I’m happy to see you happy. It is so rare to see you expressing your feeling boldly. You always kept it. You always hid your feeling tightly, even when you got mad at one of us.”

“But society won’t accept us.”

Once again Yabu slumped. He sighed heavily and looked away. “Don’t mind them. They’re always like that. Judging people on how they see, and not thinking about the true intention. They will always be like that. As long as you have your love inside you, you win over everything.” Yabu smiled again and turned to Takaki. “You should fight for it. I’m right behind you.”

Takaki almost melted in his place. Yabu’s words sounded very convincing. He could see a little light far away to guide him walked out of the darkness that surrounded him last days. He could see a little hope. A hope that he could win his love over reality.

_Reality._

Takaki smiled and shook his head.

_Reality will still against us if we force ourselves to continue this. We will definitely be doomed if they found out about me and Ryosuke. Ryosuke is the apple of everybody’s eyes. They will surely left him when they found out that he’s not straight._

_Oh my God._

_I drove him to his doom._

_We should end this._

_We should live normally like others, falling in love and getting married with a girl. We shouldn’t cross the line._

_No._

_They won’t leave Ryosuke._

_If I let him go._

Takaki straightened his body and gritted his teeth tightly.

_He will be just fine if I let him go. They won’t do any harm to him. They will wellcome him like there’s nothing happened._

Takaki closed his eyes again.

_They won’t know anything if I don’t say anything. No one will know if I don’t leak anything. Everything will stay as a secret if no one say anything._

“Takaki ... “

_I wish I could turn back the time, so I can revise all of this stupid thing. I wish I can go back to the past and prevent myself of joining Johnny’s, so I won’t meet Ryosuke. I wish I ..._

“Takaki!”

Takaki snapped and looked at Yabu. He blinked many times but stayed silent.

“Don’t scare me with your thought. Please, there’s nothing to be worried. Everything will be just fine.”

Takaki gulped. _“Words are beautiful, aren’t they?”_

“Say something, please. Don’t stay silent all the time.”

Takaki walked away.

“Takaki ... “

_You can say such thing because you don’t know how it feels when all of the people go against you. Will you still stay beside me when that happen? Will you still stay when all the people in the world found out about us?_

“Takaki!”

Yabu reached Takaki’s arm and forced Takaki to face him.

“Don’t ever think that you are alone. I’m here. We’re here. You’re not alone. We won’t go away even the world go against you. We will stay here with you. So please, say something.”

Takaki chuckled lightly and walked away, but still didn’t say anything.

“We can’t leave him alone.”

Yabu turned to see Inoo. dan Hikaru were standing side by side while staring intently to the place where Takaki disappeared.


	15. The Women

A soft tap made him turned and all he could find was a wide smile beamed at him.

“I’m here and you’ve been ignoring me like forever.”

Takaki gaped and smiled sheepishly. “Sorry. I’m thinking about something.”

Shinkawa shrugged and folded her legs.

“I know. You’re thinking about Yamada, right?”

Takaki turned to her and smiled. He nodded many times but didn’t say any word. He gritted his teeth hard and looked away, ignored all the hurt he read from the girl.

“Well, I saw the making last night. Your new song. It’s a great song. I like it.”

Takaki smiled widely.

“All of you sing it naturally, like it was all of your true feeling. I mean, you did it too with all of your songs, but, I don’t know. It feels different with this Lucky Unlucky. It feels deep. It feels like you want to say everything out loudly but you can’t. It feels like ..., you want to shout out about something but you can’t.”

Takaki smiled while breathed heavily.

“It feels like you want to say something more but you can’t. What is it?”

Takaki turned to the girl and could see a sincere question in her eyes. He sighed heavily and looked away.

“You know what? A secret should be carried deeply inside. Once it leaks, it will change everything.”

Shinkawa stared at Takaki intently, tried hard to read something from his expression, but it was all blank.

“The way you behave, the way you look over something, the way you set your point of view, it will change everything on you.”

“They found about it? Your relationship with Yamada?”

Takaki chuckled but didn’t say anything.

“They don’t go against you, do they?”

Takaki laughed more. “I don’t know, but I suddenly want to just disappear.”

Shinkawa almost gaped at the answer.

“I hurt the person I consider very important to me. I made him cry a lot lately. I don’t deserve to even exist in this world. I should disappear.”

“Wait.” Shinkawa grabbed his arms, forced him to face her. “If you disappear, Yamada will cry more. Have you ever think about it?”

“At first, yes, but it will take him no time to get up. He will recover soon.”

Shinkawa suddenly lost her words.

“He will definitely be happy if I let him go.”

Shinkawa looked away and kept quiet for a while. She lost her words to be exact and didn’t know what to say.

“He has everyone around. He will recover soon. In no time he will stand on his feet again like there’s nothing happened. He has all the comfort he needs. He will definitely be fine.”

Shinkawa looked at him in awe. Never once in her life she found a person she considered as very stupid, and now, she found one. He was the person she adored so much. Too much until she wanted to just bang his head to a wall until he got his brain back to him.

“Have you ever heard the quote that said every hurt healed but the scar stays forever?”

Takaki turned to her and nodded. “I know it, but as time passes, it will be faded. He will soon forget about me. Finding new love and live happily ever after. Everyone loves him. It will be easy for him to get up. He will definitely be fine.”

“Then what about you?”

Takaki stunned. He suddenly lost his words. He sighed heavily and looked away.

“I will just disappear.”

“Then let me disappear with you.”

Once again Takaki turned to her and found undoubtedly seriousness in her eyes.

“I won’t let you disappear alone. I will disappear with you.”

Takaki lost his words. He just looked at the girl and didn’t say anything. He gaped, and could only blink his eyes.

“If I stick myself with you, maybe one day you will let me in. I wish.”

Takaki suddenly felt a pang in his heart. He could read clearly the hurt in her eyes. The guilty feeling washed and drenched him.

No one talk and moved for a moment. They just stared at each other, talking without words, sharing all the possible way out for everything, but nothing came altogether in the end. The buzzed of a phone broke their silence and forced Shinkawa to gazed away.

“Ah, my brother’s arrived.”

Takaki blinked many times. “What? Here?”

Shinkawa smiled. “I’m different from you. You can bottle up everything inside you, but I can’t. I shared everything with my important persons.”

“What?”

“Yes. I told them too that I love you. I told them too that it’s unrequited. I told them that you had someone else. They mad at me at first, but finally understood and keep supporting me.”

Takaki gaped.

“At least I have a place when I want to cry.”

Takaki stoned and didn’t know what to say.

“Be sure to sleep right away. Don’t stay up too late. Your concert had been scheduled, and I want you to stay healthy along it.”

The girl took her bag and almost run to the front door.

“Have a nice dream.”

Takaki looked at her until the door of the elevator closed. He stood there, in silence, and didn’t even move. His mind was blank. He didn’t know what to do, until a hand gripped his arm, and woke him from his trance.

“Yuki ...”

His sister smiled and pushed him to enter the room.

“I’m sleeping here tonight, and no, I’m sorry. I don’t receive any rejection with any reason.”

Yuki went to the fridge and served herself with a bottle of water. She stopped for a while while looking at Takaki and sighed.

“I saw her.”

Takaki sat on the couch but didn’t dare to look at his sister.

“What are you doing?”

“I didn’t invite her. She came on her own will.”

She walked over and stood in front of Takaki who looked away. He tried hard not to look at her sister. He knew he was wrong.

A light slap landed on his cheek. Takaki turned to her and threw a silent question about her act.

Yuki sighed heavily. She sat down beside him and looked at him gently. “You hurt everyone.”

Takaki turned away.

“Yua loves you. You knew it from the very beginning. It’s been years and she still loves you, and you use her to keep Yamada away from you. You hurt them. Both Yua and Yamada.”

Takaki could feel his heart stopped beating.

Yuki smiled widely looking at her brother. She pointed at his cheek. “I knew you since forever. I helped Mom to baby you when she was away, so if you think I knew nothing about you, you’re very wrong.”

Takaki gulped. He still didn’t dare to looked at his sister.

“Come on.” Yuki reached for Takaki’s cheek and forced him to face her. “I’m an open minded person. Very open minded. I don’t mind you swing that way. You chose. Then do everything to be responsible for what you have chosen.”

Takaki looked away. “We’re crossing the line.”

“Yes, you are crossing the line, but as long as no one hurt, who cares?”

Takaki breathed heavily. He leaned to the backside of the couch. “It’s easy to talk.”

“It is as easy as talking. You love him, he loves you, that’s enough. Don’t mind what other say. Hello, we are living in millennium era, you know. An era where everybody can choose their own lifestyle. Who cares what people thinks. As long as you hurt no one, just keep going.”

Takaki pulled his hair and gripped them. He wanted to shout out loudly but no word came out of his mouth.

“You think if Yamada knows that you are having relationship with Yua, he will back off? He loves you, too much until he ignores all of the fame he can get if he has a relationship with a girl out there, or even if he marries a girl somewhere. He loves you too much. You do know that.”

Takaki closed his eyes. He could see Yamada was crying in his mind.

“Do you know what people say about Yamada recently?”

Takaki turned fast to Yuki, signed that he didn’t know anything.

Yuki sighed heavily. She reached for her phone and fidgeting it for a while before showed it to Takaki.

“I ... don’t understand.”

“It says, Yamada had a mental breakdown this early year.”

Takaki widened his eyes. He took the phone from his sister and stared at the phone intently.

“The answer is no, if you asked about the articles. I’ve tried to find out on all possible sites but found nothing. So I guess there’s a leak from inside but the journalist couldn’t find any proof so they couldn’t write anything.”

Suddenly the picture of silent Yamada played around in his mind. The way he talked to him lately was different. His absent days became reasonable for him now.

_So he was sick those days. He was very sick until he couldn’t manage to even talk to anyone. Mental breakdown. So it means he is very sick, and it’s all about me. All because of me. He must be cried a lot._

_Oh my God._

_What did I do?_

_I hurt him._

_A lot until he can’t handle it._

Once again, Yuki reached his cheek and forced him to face her. “Fight! I’m behind you.”


	16. Decision

He opened his eyes when he felt someone sat beside him. He turned and almost cheered when he saw Yamada was the one. He smiled. “You okay?”

Yamada nodded many times. “I’m totally fine. They’re just exaggerating everything. I’m just too tired and need more sleep.”

Takaki breathed heavily. “Because I heard that you’re mute for some times, and I didn’t even know about it. Yes you didn’t reply my messages, you didn’t pick my calls, but you did it too many times before, so I thought it was your bad days again when you’re mad at me for something very unreasonable.”

Yamada chuckled a little for the explanation, and giggled when he remembered those days. “I’m really sorry, because you’re so hot that everybody’s eyes looked like want to eat you alive. I was just jealous. Why should you be that hot?”

Takaki turned to him. “So, it’s because of my hotness? I’m sorry, I didn’t ask God to create me to be this hot.”

Yamada laughed lightly, tried hard not to be too loud.

Takaki looked at the others and breathed heavily again. “They told me about the possible reason of your mute.”

Yamada turned to Takaki and sighed. “Shinkawa?”

Takaki shrugged. “There’s absolutely nothing between us and you do really know about it.”

Yamada smiled and tapped Takaki’s thigh. “I know. Don’t worry about it. You’ve been close since Suikyu, and there’s nothing between you. I do know about it.” Yamada breathed heavily. “It’s just ..., from anywhere I see you look so good together.”

Takaki closed his eyes and muttered weakly. “Ryosuke ... “

“I know. I’m sorry. I don’t mean anything. I just said what I’ve been thinking lately. It is true. You look so good together. I don’t know how to describe it, but you and her ..., it’s just ..., fit.”

Takaki turned and Yamada could see a slight hurt in his eyes, made him raise his hands up to apologize.

“I’m sorry. Just take it as a compliment, okay? I don’t mean anything. Really. I know that you love me until you can’t breathe without saying my name, right?”

Takaki sighed with relief and smiled.

“But I’ve been thinking about everything lately.” Yamada folded his leg and made himself as comfortable as he could. He breathed heavily and closed his eyes for a while. He opened them again and smiled. “I forced myself to think about everything actually, and I’ve made a conclusion that you’re totally right.”

Takaki gripped his towel while wiping the remnants of sweat off his forehead. He took a little glance to Yamada but said nothing. He sighed heavily and looked around. The practice was over but everybody was still in the room. They sprawled all over the floor and chatted lightly. He stopped for a while on Hikaru and Yabu who looked very tense in their conversation, but his focus distracted right away when he felt Yamada moved closer to him.

He decided to sit far away from the other when the choreographer dismissed them but didn’t expect that Yamada would follow him. It didn’t mean that he hate it. It was more like he enjoyed their togetherness, because deep inside him he felt the longing for the younger. He wanted to snuggle. He wanted to hug him, and let everything slide just like that. He wanted all of the people would go away and left them alone so they could spent the time together without any interruption.

Takaki closed his eyes and smiled lightly.

_“Fight! I’m behind you.”_

The words kept ringing since he woke up that morning. He felt everybody would support him now so he decided to fight for their love. He felt he could do anything to make Yamada happy. He would do everything to stay beside Yamada. He would fight every storm to keep Yamada beside him.

Takaki opened his eyes and sighed heavily. All the spirit that burned inside him since he woke up this morning suddenly faded away right after Yamada declared his agreement. He never saw it coming. He didn’t expect it would come.

“Maybe you’re right after all.” Yamada mumbled a little loud. “No. Perhaps you’re right.” He gulped hard after the words.

Takaki suddenly felt a little pang in his heart. “What do you mean?” Still, he asked.

Yamada once again gulped. “That we should end this.”

Takaki chuckled a little after a little trance. “Finally you agreed me.”

Yamada smiled bitterly. “Let’s just be logic. We are living in the world where moral code is everything. We should follow the norm strictly. Every eyes darted to us. A lot of youngsters out there made us as a role model of their life. They copied everything we do. If we insist to continue this, one day they will definitely found out, and everything will collapse. All the efforts we’ve made. All the trust we’ve built.”

Takaki could hear his heart broke. He closed his eyes and gritted his teeth hard to prevent the tears that suddenly forced to stream.

“You’re absolutely right when you said that we will break the group if we insist to continue this. We should definitely end this.”

Takaki didn’t say anything. He didn’t even move. He felt his body was glued to the floor. He couldn’t even move his fingertips.

_Is this how you feel when I told you to give up? It hurts so much until you lost your strength to even move your finger. You said it once to me and I lost my will to move from my place. How was your feeling when I told you about it many times? You must be crazy. You must lost your will to live._

_Oh my God!_

_I’m so sorry, Ryosuke. I didn’t know that I hurt you that much._

“We are against the world. Not just one or two people, but the whole world will go against us. They will punish not just the both of us, but also all the people who defends us. They will be doomed if we still keep this relationship on.”

Takaki spread his gaze throughout the room, accidentally exchanging glances with Chinen and Inoo who were staring at him sharply. He immediately averted his eyes from them, avoiding their silent questions. He knew they smelt something. They’re the smartest persons he had even known. It wasn’t very obvious that they knew something.

“So, let’s end this.”

Takaki closed his eyes but didn’t give any reply to Yamada. He tried hard to ease his feeling that suddenly became melancholy.

_I should be happy because you finally agreed me to end our relationship, but why it feels so hard to let you go? I don’t want to loose you. I want to hug you forever. I want you to stay beside me forever. Please. Tell me that I’m dreaming. Tell me that you’re just joking. Tell me that you’re not serious._

“Let’s live this life normally like everybody do. Falling in love with girls, marry them one day, and having children. It sounds beautiful, isn’t it? Building our own family.”

Takaki opened his eyes but didn’t dare to look at Yamada.  
  
_It is. But are you sure you can do it? Falling in love with someone else? With a girl?_

_I don’t think I can do it, Ryosuke. I love you. I gave my heart all for you. I don’t have a room left for someone else. I gave all my love for you. I don’t think I can love anyone else like I love you. You’re my everything. I don’t know what will happen to me if we’re really over._

Yamada smiled again. He looked down to his lap and sighed. “I know it’s hard, but at least we should try. We bet for everybody’s fate if we insist to be selfish. It is time to give up. It is time to give Fate to decide where we should go. It is time to go back to our track.”

Takaki smiled bitterly. “So, you finally agreed me. Why so sudden?”

Yamada chuckled lightly. “I’ve been mute for sometimes, that’s what they told you, but actually I’ve been thinking over and over, about everything. About what will happen if we keep going with everything, and I see our collapse in the end. I don’t want that to happen. I love you, but JUMP is very important to me. It’s very important to you too. It’s very important to everyone too. It’s something that we should cherish because it is our home. I know we will loose our happiness if we loose our home, so I finally decided that we should choose. I finally understand why you always said that we should give up. I finally understand why you always said that we will take the rest to their doom if we insist to keep going with our love. They will lose their home. They will suffer to their death and you don’t want that to happen. I finally understand everything.”

Takaki closed his eyes and leaned to the wall. He felt all empty so sudden. He suddenly lost his will of doing everything. He wanted to just disappear.

Yamada didn’t say anything more. He just sat there, enjoying the warmth that radiating from Takaki’s body.

_To be honest, I don’t want to loose you. I want to stay forever beside you. I want to live this life with you beside me. Every time I open my eyes, I want to always see you. Forever._


	17. Gray

The reddish light on the horizon looks very beautiful. The lines that faded between the sun rays were getting fainter, against the background of a grayish white sky behind it. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath of air and exhaled slowly, then opened his eyes again. The scene before him remained unchanged.

_“You’re absolutely right when you said that we will break the group if we insist to continue this. We should definitely end this.”_

The words kept ringing in his ears on and on. He couldn’t erase it.

_Wasn't I the first to decide that all this had to end? Why am I hesitating now? Why now I feel that I'm wrong when you had agreed to end our relationship?_

He chuckled lightly, laughing for his own stupidity.

_Perhaps I shouldn’t be here since the very start. We should never have met._

He breathed heavily.

_I feel like I’m the worst person in the world, for hurting you that bad._

He looked at the sunset while gripping his fingers inside his jacket. A breeze that blew hit him gently, along with the waves that swept the sand in front of him. He breathed heavily and bit his lower lip.

_I should be the who doomed to hell for pulling you to the beauty of love then throw you hard to the very deep wound._

He stepped forward and jerked lightly with the coldness of the water touching his feet. He stopped for a moment, enjoying the cold of the water that ran from the tip of his toes until it felt into the recesses of his heart.

Cold.

He felt now he was so empty.

He stepped further and stopped when the water reached his thigh. He smiled again as he looked at the reddish horizon.

_One day I really want to enjoy this beautiful scene with you, but it’s impossible now._

He looked up the the gray sky above and closed his eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

He mumbled the words over and over again, wished that the wind would convey the words to the person he meant.

“I know that you love the sea very much but I don’t think it’s wise enough to swim in it this kind of time. With all of those clothes on.”

He turned back to see Inoo who stared at him intently. He turned to the sea again and closed his eyes. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it? The sunset. The reddish light, bounces off the water, creating dazzling ripple lines. It looks so beautiful that you don’t want to look away until they disappear along with the sunset on the horizon.”

“But you just did. You just looked away from it and turned to me.”

He chuckled lightly. “Because I don’t want you to think that I want to kill myself by drowning into the sea.”

“You looked like one. From where I stand, you look like you want to walk towards the sea and drown yourself into it.”

He laughed.

Inoo sighed. “Takaki, please, can’t you come here? I mean, get out of the water and just sit here. On the cold sand. You can swim all day when Summers come. It won’t be long. It will suddenly come without you realize it.”

For a moment Takaki didn’t move. As if he didn’t want to move from his place. This made Inoo suddenly tensed. He stared at Takaki without blinking, and prepared himself to pull him out of the sea. Then he breathed a sigh of relief because he didn’t have to do it. Takaki finally turned and walked out of the water himself.

“Thank you so much because I don’t have to pull you out of the sea, which, I don’t think I would be able to do. I am well aware of my strength. There’s no way I can pull you out of there. You’re much stronger than me. You win on that part. I gladly admit my defeat.”

Takaki stared at Inoo in wonder before laughed hard in the end.

“Yeah, right. It’s funny, isn’t it? You happy?”

“Sorry, but it is very funny.”

Inoo pouted and looked away.

“Because if you really try, you will win even if I struggled hard. You did it once three years ago if I’m not mistaken.”

“It’s just a coincidence. It’s because you got a cold so you lost your true strength.”

Takaki only smiled widely and shook his head. He sat down beside Inoo and once again looked at the beautiful sunset. Suddenly the empty feeling that enveloped him a while ago disappeared. A sense of comfort that calmed his feeling slowly filled his heart. He turned to Inoo and felt a little wonder.

“Why suddenly I feel comfortable? After you arrived here?”

Inoo looked at Takaki and his stare softened. “Because you feel safe. That’s what friends are for, right? When you feel lost, they will know. How? Sorry, I can’t explain it. I just feel that you may need someone, so I and Hikaru decided to follow you.”

Takaki looked at Inoo intently for a while before turned to look around. He didn’t find anyone else in the place.

“Where’s he?”

“He got a call then he left. Sounded very important.”

Takaki nodded slightly and looked back to the horizon. He said nothing and didn’t move. He only looked towards the sun which remained halfway, as if he didn’t want to miss even a moment of the sun’s journey to its resting moment.

There’s no sound other than the pounding waves that came and went, and the whispers of the wind that was blowing.

Inoo glanced to Takaki but said nothing. He wanted to talk, a lot, about the things he wanted to ask. He had a thousand questions that he wanted to ask, and he wanted to hear the answers straight from Takaki, but he couldn’t say any of those questions. He could only sit quietly beside Takaki, hoping that his presence was enough to make him not think about bad things that no one wanted.

“It is exactly like a boomerang works.”

Inoo turned to him. “Huh?”

Takaki smiled bitterly. “You throw it strongly to get your target down, then it came back to you in full power, and no mercy.”

Inoo couldn’t get what Takaki tried to say, yet, he sat there without asking more, just waiting for him to continue.

He waited, but Takaki didn’t say anything anymore. He looked at him and almost stoned. Takaki suddenly looked very devastated. He smiled to the sunset, but he looked had lost all of his strength. He searched for any pain but didn’t find any. Takaki didn’t show any pain at all. He looked calm. More calm than he had ever been, but looked so tired.

“Are you okay?”

Takaki smiled. “Do I look different?”

Inoo just nodded many times.

“You’re the fourth person who asked me that question today.”

Inoo smiled. “And the others are ....”

Takaki chuckled lightly. “Chinen was the first.”

Inoo nodded many times again. “You really are close to each other, aren’t you? I suddenly feel jealousy is eating me now.”

Takaki smiled again, and suddenly all of those days when Chinen always clung to him rushed back to his memory.

“Then Yaotome. I don’t know what had gotten in his mind until he asked me that question. I must look awful.”

Inoo beamed him in silent.

_Yes, you look so awful. It’s like you just did something that drained all of your strength. Not to mention how silent you were since the last shooting. Turning all of our offers to go out. It’s not you. What was happening?_

“Perhaps it’s time for me to go.”

Inoo stopped everything he was thinking. He turned to Takaki. “What do you mean?”

Takaki sighed heavily. “I’ve been thinking about it over and over. All of the scenarios I’ve build made me decide that I have to leave.”

Inoo reached for Takaki’s arm. “Would you please tell me honestly what is happening to you? I really don’t understand what you’re talking about since I arrived here. Boomerang, then leaving. What is it? Do you plan to go somewhere? Where?”

Takaki stared at Inoo silently. There were a lot of stories he wanted to tell but he couldn't tell any. It was enough about the trouble he had made so far. It was enough he bothered everyone. He didn't want to burden them with what he had been through.

"Thank you for receiving me as I am, but I am just a fool, always did stupid things and always made troubles for everyone."

“I don’t understand what you’re talking about. You’re not a fool. Definitely not a fool at all. We love you. Your honesty, your kindness, everything about you. I personally have to thank you because every time I fall, you’re there. You didn’t say anything, but I know you understand my situation. So please, if you want to go, to anywhere, please, cancel it. I still need you. I may sound selfish, but I’m fine if you want to call me that way. I don’t care. I need you to be here. You don’t have to say anything. It’s enough for me to know that you’re there when I need you.”

Takaki could only blink many times without saying anything. He was speechless when he saw the tears suddenly dripped down Inoo’s cheeks. He gulped slightly.

“I’m sorry. I’m so selfish, aren’t I? But I’m tired. I’m tired of keeping everything alone.”

“Inoo ..., I don’t know that you ....”

“No! I’m straight, I’m sure.” Inoo replied quickly. “I’m just ..., I don’t know.” His shoulder slumped. He wiped his tears. “I’m sorry.”

Takaki looked at Inoo for a moment before smiled and patted Inoo’s back gently.

“So please, stay.”

Takaki didn’t say anything. He smiled but said nothing.


	18. Cracked

“And he skips today’s rehearsal.”

Yabu sighed heavily while shaking his head.

“He was weird yesterday.” Daiki threw his towel to the floor. “He was too silent. He didn’t even answer when I called him. He was like ..., he was thinking about something. Very serious thing. I don’t know.”

Hikaru and Yabu looked at each other in silent.

Bleary, Inoo looked at the entrance, still wishing that Takaki would appear even the rehearsal had ended some times ago.

_Please stay. Don’t leave. We need you. I need you._

A feeling of tightness filled his chest. He gulped several times while trying hard to hold back his tears so they wouldn’t fall.

_When finally I found someone who understand me, he left. Do I have to be alone forever? I can no longer hold everything in this world alone. Maybe I’d better go too. I’m tired of everything. I’m tired of all those limelight. They’re all around me but I feel all alone. I’m tired of doing anything out of my will. I’m tired of having all shiny. I’m tired to always pretend that we’re fine. I’m tired of everything. I want to stop._

“Inoo-Chan, are you okay?”

He turned to meet with the attentive gaze of Yabu, who decided to walk toward him.

“Anything’s wrong? Are you sick?”

Inoo shook his head weakly. He smiled, but his tears betrayed him. They fell on his cheeks like unstoppable rain. Daiki ran over to him and patted his back gently, trying to calm Inoo.

Yabu led Inoo to sit on the floor, then forced Inoo to look at him.

“Tell me what it is.”

Inoo sobbed softly. “Takaki ..., he plans to leave.”

Yabu, Hikaru, and Daiki were suddenly speechless. They looked at each other in silent, didn’t understand of what Inoo was talking about.

“What do you mean?” Hikaru frowned.

“Yesterday evening, when you dropped me on the beach, to accompany him, he told me that. He’s sure that it’s better for him to leave. I didn’t understand what he was talking about at that time but he looked very tired. He looked helpless.”

Daiki took his phone and dialed several numbers. He tried many times by pressing the same number but finally shook his head.

“His phone’s off.”

Hikaru stood up and walked out.

“Hikaru, where are you going?”

“To that fool’s place, and tell him that he shouldn’t go because he doesn’t need to do it. To tell him that he still has us. To tell him that he is not alone. To tell him that Yamada will go crazy if he stubbornly still wants to leave. To tell him that if he really loves Yamada, he should stay.”

Daiki stood up and almost ran after Hikaru.

“I’m coming with you. I’ll beat that fool if he insists on leaving. He thinks this world is his own, so he can decide everything without thinking that his decision will affect others or not.”

Yabu just look at them in silence. He wanted to stop them because he knew what was Takaki thinking, but he didn’t say a word. He understood very well how Takaki had tried very hard to survive. He knew very well that Takaki had been trying to suppress his feeling for a long time. He knew that Takaki had fallen many times but he always tried to get up, with his own strength. Takaki never asked anyone for help. Not even to him, even though Takaki knew that he would definitely help if he asked, but Takaki never asked. He rose again to his feet by himself. Always very slowly, but he always managed to stand up straight again.

“You look so calm. Don’t tell me that you knew about this.”

Yabu turned to Inoo and shook his head weakly.

“I really have no idea, but I do understand why he decided to leave. It’s very hard to keep a very big secret. Alone. It feels like our energy will be drained quickly every time, until you will reach the point where you want to give up. Perhaps Takaki had reached that point.”

Inoo looked at Yabu silently. For a moment he didn’t speak at all before then sighed deeply. “You will just let him go? You don’t want to hold him?”

Yabu looked at Inoo again before looked away.

“Personally, yes, I will let him go. I won’t hold him back. He has the right to choose. He has the right to release all the burdens he bears. He has the right to seek the peace in his life.”

Inoo looked at Yabu silently. He waited for him to finish his words. He knew Yabu wasn’t finished, so he didn’t try to interrupt, although in his mind he had questions to be asked.

Yabu looked down. “But I also know that he will hurt many people with his leaving. Yamada will suffer more than anyone else. He will absolutely go crazy.”

Yabu breathed heavily.

“Then Chinen. He will feel very guilty because he can’t help Takaki at all. That kid always felt a huge debt of gratitude to Takaki. Those days when Takaki always tried to support him, Chinen never forgot about it.”

Almost suddenly, Yabu looked up and stared at Inoo.

“Then you too.”

Inoo suddenly felt his heart stopped beating for a few moments.

“Me?”

Yabu smiled. “Don’t take it wrong. I knew that you and Takaki are actually very close. You don’t show it often in public, but you are very close. You will feel very lost if Takaki really leaves, and that will affect your performance, which will definitely disturb the stability of our group. Not only Yamada will loose Takaki, but everyone will lose him. All of us.”

Inoo gulped and looked down.

_You’re right. Why now I feel that you are actually the closest one to Takaki? Because you know so well what he thinks? And me? I Selfishly want to hold him back only for my own happiness. I’ve never thought about his happiness. I’m just thinking about myself. I just realized how selfish I am. Oh my God! Takaki, I’m sorry._

“I will follow them. I don’t want them to do anything strange to Takaki. Let’s hope he doesn’t really leave. Let’s hope we still have a chance to meet him.”

Inoo nodded weakly. He just kept quiet for a moment while looking at Yabu who walked quickly toward Daiki and Hikaru left.

Inoo looked around the now empty room. It felt so spacious when only him in it. He sighed before decided to walk out slowly toward the dressing room. He stopped when he heard a sob from the room. He held the door handle in silence. His body suddenly became stiff.

_Yamada?_

He stepped closer to the door and tried hard to listen.

“You love him so much. You shouldn’t end your relationship.” Yuto sounded very depressed.

“He really wanted to end it. I’ve always held him back. He won’t move forward if I keep him tied. I have to let him go.”

“But this isn’t the right way, Ryosuke. You shouldn’t let him go. Show him that you will be fine. Show him that nothing will happen to us too. We will be just fine.”

“But I understand very well what he meant. Just imagine, what if they know about us. There will be lots of people who will suddenly turn their backs on us when they know about me and Yuya. There will be so many people who will chide on JUMP. Yuya doesn’t want that to happen. He had tried many times to explain it to me. It took me a while to understand, and when that happened, I also agreed him. We have to end our relationship.”

“And hurt yourself in the process.” Yuri stared at him sharply. “I’m sure that Yuya also actually hurt with your decision. Oh my god, Ryosuke. I just found out that you are so stupid.”

“I know I was stupid from the start, Yuri. You don’t need to tell me that. I know I’m stupid because I’ve fallen in love with him. I was so stupid because I couldn’t control my feelings. I know I’ve been so stupid by endangering our group’s future. I know ...”

“You’re stupid because you don’t dare to fight for your love. You’re so stupid for just giving up on unclear reality. You’re so stupid for letting go of someone who truly loves you for who you really are. You are really stupid.”

“Yuri, ... “

“Shut up, Yuto. I have to let this out or I’ll feel sorry for the rest of my life. This fool here, will continue to torture himself and someone important to him if I don’t scold him. He will continue to wallow in sadness forever if we don’t pull him from the darkness of his heart.”

Yamada closed his eyes.

“There’re a lot of girls out there who are very suitable to him. All fans will adore him. If they found out about me and Yuya, they will quickly leave us. He doesn’t want that to happen. I don’t want that to happen.”

“You mean Shinkawa Yua?”

“In this world, there is a law that we can’t fight even with all of our strength. There is a law that can’t be bought with money. The name is moral. Yuya and I cannot afford to have to deal with the moral code of society. I can’t imagine how many scorns will come when all of this is revealed.”

“And you think Shinkawa will make him happy? Are you sure about that?”

Yamada smiled. “The girl really loves him. Yuya will surely melt if she tries harder.”

Out of the door, Inoo gulped hard at the conversation.

_So this is the reason why you want to leave. You can’t bare your own feeling of loosing him then you decide to leave._

Suddenly Inoo stepped forward. He opened the door so sudden and almost made the three of them jolted in surprise.

“Inoo-Chan ... “ Chinen sighed heavily. He caressed his chest to ease his heart rate.

Inoo starred Yamada intently. “If you really love him, until you feel that you can’t live without him, until you can’t breath without saying his name, you’d better go for him now because yesterday evening he decided to leave.”

Yamada stoned. He lost his word. He lost his strength all sudden. He couldn’t move.

“You’re kidding, right?” Yuto stood up. He reached his phone and dialed numbers, just to receive inactive tone. He tried to dial many times more just to receive the same answer. “His phone’s off.”

Yamada looked away but didn’t move.


End file.
